Still Capless!

23 Sep

Another dentist appointment today. I really can’t be bothered going into it in detail except to say that the mold they took of my tooth to make the root canal cap wasn’t 100% fitting my tooth. So they took ANOTHER mold and I have to go back again on Wednesday. Seeing my blatant disappointment that this shitting dental saga wasn’t going to be finally over the dentist asked if he could do the other two fillings in my upper teeth. Not wanting to have wasted a trip to the dentist for nothing I said yes – at which point he tells me that one will need an anesthetic as is bigger than previously first thought.

So an hour later, three injections of anesthetic, two beautiful white fillings and a whopping $18 less in my wallet I leave the clinic. I wasn’t expecting to have an anesthetic so was thinking I would make up for my lack of breakfast by having an early lunch as soon as I left. The nurse told me not to eat until it had completely worn off so I left, ignored her and chewed the fuck out of some sweet and sour pork from the supermarket – on my right side.

In other news I have all the contents of our emergency evacuation bags out in the spare room after a frantic, and futile, search for a condom last night. I was ‘this’ sure I had one in the emergency medical kit – just waiting for that time when hub and I felt like a shag in the community center after we evacuate a 10m tsunami or whatever. Jeeze. God knows why I thought there was one in there. I must admit though that I was pleasantly excited about being reacquainted with the awesomeness that is the seven-way spade. I know I was suffering severe PTSD by association at the time I bought 30-year shelf life NASA food and the solar panel suitcase, but damn, that seven-way spade was a great investment.

Talking of condoms, hub and I had an awesome conversation about then a couple of days ago… I was brushing my teeth and he was in the other room watching TV

  • Hub: mumble mumble need to get some more mumble mumble
  • Me: Yeah, well we’re going to that mall tomorrow to watch ‘The Secret Life of Pets’ so why don’t we go a bit early and you can get some then.
  • Hub: We could always get them from the chemist on the way.
  • Me: We can’t get them from a bloody chemist. You should really try them on first.
  • Hub: What?
  • Me: Let’s go early and you can spend ten minutes trying some on before the movies so you get some that actually fit. There is GAP at the mall.
  • Hub: a GAP?
  • Me: Yeah, it’s an American store. Usually expensive but they are having a sale.
  • Hub: Do you think American ones are better?
  • Me: Well the quality is better than some of the other shops around here.
  • Hub: …… um ……
  • Me:  But don’t you have enough pairs of jeans anyway?
  • Hub: Jeans?
  • Me: …….??
  • Hub: I said ‘condoms’. We need some more ‘condoms’
  • Hub: Oh shit… hahahahahahahaha…. well that was awesome.

Needless to say we forgot to get some over the weekend, which led to me rifling through the seven-way spade, spare change of clothes, billy, candles and canned fish that expired in 2015 to try and find the medical kit – which I might add is very comprehensive. Quite proud of myself.

Despite the lack of emergency condoms!!


SDGH&QL you lot.


Dental Saga Continues

13 Sep

Went back to the dentists on Friday – fully expecting, yet again, to have root canal fully finished and over with before walking out the damn door. The roots definitely got canaled the fuck out of though, and are gone for good. All three of them. Even had an x-ray with dye to prove it! The anesthetic was amazing. They jacked up the amount from last week and I felt no pain. The dentist had to conceal his excitement when he finally got the third root though. A very satisfied ‘yosha’ in Japanese when that sucker was clean. Imagine that shit in the old days before anesthetic! You’d have to be completely shit-faced to even get in the dentist’s chair!

After removing the roots they then had to fill them with some sort of shite to stop any infection. I then got a lovely pink coating put on and told to come back in a week…

So, I paid the bill  – a grand total of 1000 yen (roughly 12 NZ dollars) and left – with my wallet still stuffed full of hundred dollar bills cause that’s how much I thought I’d be paying for my pristine white ceramic cap.

My next appointment was yesterday afternoon. Supposed to be morning but I had to take the cat to the vets, which is joyous two hour round drive. Fortunately the vet is fantastic and as prompt as a bullet train so I was only actually in the building for 4 minutes and 53 seconds. Which cost 5000 yen – in comparison to the 1.5 hours I was at the dentists… ….

So I head back to the dentists yesterday and am by now dubious that this might be the last visit. I have heard that in Japan dentists tend to break procedures up into slots and patients end up going back over and over again. Hence this is my fourth trip.

The temporary cap gets taken off, the dentist declares another round of antiseptic in the holes, and then tells me I have three small fillings that need doing on my upper teeth and should he get one over with today? I say yes, get that done and then pay the bill, a mere 1200 yen, and leave with my next appointment penciled in for this Friday!

In other news, we had soccer all weekend, stayed the night in between three games on both days and then had to drive three and a half hours home with two very tired children on Sunday night. Thank god it pissed down on Monday morning and we had an excuse for them to go to school in the car and not walk. In fact I piled almost the entire walking bus group into the car. 6 in our car and the High Tiger Boy and his sister in another.

Right, I’m in need of some English entertainment. My Tuesday three year old class really deals me over. There is one two year old and if her mum brings her she wont let her leave but today her dad brought her and she came running in all smiles. I gestured for the dad to leave because it looked like she was going to be fine. And she was for 25 minutes. And it’s just fuckin exhausting – trying to soothe one child while trying to teach the other six, while trying to wonder what the other two mothers and one father still there are thinking!! Gaaaaahhhhh.

She calmed down at the mention of crayons though so we spent the rest of the class coloring in outlines of their hands.

And I probably needed straight tequila tonight but I’m settling for a lemon chuhai instead.




7 Sep

So I had my dentist appointment last week and it was quite frankly a huge anticlimax. I had gone intending to get whatever the problem was completely fixed but after four injections, what felt like half a swollen face (but which the nurse told me looked normal), the serious nerve was still in horrid pain and not playing nice with the tunnel excavator. The dentist drilled what he could and then re-packed the hole with some kind of nerve killer and sent me on my way with a weeks worth of pain killers and a note to come back this Friday.

So I guess I’ll update again when the root canal palava is finally over.

The kids started back at school last Thursday – praise the fuckin lord. Not that I actually saw them all everyday over the holidays due to the summer program but I had to Japanesey wifey up three obentos every morning and well, there were trips to the doctors and Marina’s skin condition equalling days off the summer program, and of course my own English Summer Programs – which I think were probably not worth the time and effort, but the kids enjoyed it and one girl just told me at today’s class that she had been practicing the Poi (Maori dance with balls on strings – google it) and could now do the move I showed her on the Summer Program. She was so proud of herself and was planning on doing it for their up-coming version of Show and Tell. I guess that in itself makes it worthwhile.

Anyhoo, after two days at school a bloody typhoon comes along and all of sudden every activity over the weekend AND school on Monday is cancelled. Obviously typhoons don’t last for three days but the reporting on this one was extra crap and we at first thought it would arrive on Saturday – hence why my school in the next town over cancelled Saturday’s English classes. Twas a beautiful day. We could have even had the soccer BBQ that was planned but then cancelled – due to aforementioned typhoon. My kids (and hub and I) were all geared up to eat loads of yakiniku meat so we invited High Tiger Boy’s  family over for BBQ at our place!

Sunday’s soccer matches were also cancelled which was actually nice as I was meant to be on car pool duties. Having school cancelled on Monday was a bit stink though as is the only day I don’t teach and I need the time to sort the house out after the weekend, drink coffee, piss round on FB and play Jelly Splash – and newly Piano Tiles!! I’m quite liking it. In fact on the competition round I am, at my best, 84% better than the REST OF THE WORLD. LOL. Well, the other 1200 or so people from around the world who have done it. Tis all good until my eyes start doing weird shit. I tell myself it MUST be good for my brain to be able to react so quickly. Hence, is not game, is action of self improvement…

Right, off to tuck some kids into beds.




1 Sep

I fuckin hate the dentists and have had a humungous phobia about going to one in Japan because when I first got to Japan (18 or so years ago) it felt like every little kid I saw had black teeth and rarely did I see an adult with a beautiful smile. Thus why I put off going for more than SIX months and now I am in absolute agony and have an appointment at 11:30 tomorrow with some local anesthetic and what I imagine will be a drill the size of a tunnel excavator.

I had a filling in one of my back molars. A big filling, probably from about 20 years ago. A chunk of it came out and I knew exactly when this happened but because it didn’t hurt, and because I hate the dentists, I just let it be. Ya know, hoping that by some miracle of the lord jesus it would just fill itself right back in.

Until Sunday, when we were out having lunch before a viewing of the Jungle Book. All was grand until a fuckin pepper corn worked its way into the tunnel, hit the nerve and I bloody swear, the sharp pain was akin to ten seconds of pushing a big head out the saloon doors. I put my hand over my mouth and quietly excused myself from the table so I could do a fast walk, in my three inch bright green wedges (which were on their virgin outing after purchasing them 8 months ago – why or why Sunday of all days) , out to the car, swear profoundly as my hands shake with pain as I get some pain killers down the hatch.

The pain subsided enough for me to endure watching Mowgli fight Shere Kahn. I also managed a latte at Starbucks so I stupidly ‘thought’ the drugs I had brought at the local store were enough.

And then I went to the dentist yesterday – with Marina, who was getting her FIFTH bloody tooth pulled. She has braces now and a small jaw and big teeth – equalling not enough room to get them all nicely in line. I figured if she was enduring another round of gum injections and such that I could adult up and finally get my tooth looked at.

The dentist firstly told me off as was obvious had left for far too long. He then drilled the rest of the old filling out and filled it in with a temporary filling until he had more time to drill the fucker with the tunnel excavator – tomorrow.

Yay. TGIF.


Hopefully the anesthetic has worn off by the time I have to teach at 4pm. A dibbling mess does not a good English teacher make.


Oh, and on the hubby front – he’s being fine. There were a couple of ‘lost in translation’ moments this week – ones that I penned a post for in my mind but then got sidetracked by summer vacation bollocks, bento making and general procrastination-ness. Really should try and keep up the posting🙂




Lessons in Wifeyness and Shit

5 Aug

Tonight hub felt the need to impart two important lessons on how to be the bestest Japanese wife. This post will probably be filled with shitloads of sarcasm, and possibly the word cunt.

I wasn’t doing household shit. No, he had been out drumming at an ‘obon’ (festival of the dead) thing for  his friend and mentor who passed away a few months ago. He had been drinking and quite frankly I thought he wouldn’t get home till like 11 so hearing him walk through the door at 9:20 was against my Masterchef and wine schedule.

I decided to do my wife duties by going in and pouring his drinks and sitting beside him while we watched aimless, but sometimes very entertaining, Japanese variety programs on TV. It was funny, life was grand. And then the ads come on.

There was an ad about a lonely kid who was walking home from school when another kid invited him over to play soccer. They obviously bonded extremely well in that 20 minutes they were playing soccer because when the cool kid’s dad came to pick him up in his flash new Toyota or whatever the kid invites the poor lonely kid to get a ride home – because they are now ‘friends’ right? The poor kid looks super happy, jumps in the car of an adult he has never met before, puts on his seatbelt (this probably wouldn’t happen normally in Japan) and off they go.

I say, in a kind of wondering to the universe kind of way, ‘why would they show an ad about a kid getting into the car of an adult he has never met before – the father of a kid he was not friends with until 20 minutes ago???’ Note there have been killings in Japan of parents killing their kid’s friends and this ad made me think of that – although in that instance they kids were actually friends and the killer mother was jealous of the other kid or whatever.

Hub was all like no, he should be able to get into anybody’s car. I’m like, of course he ‘should’ be able to but the world is a fuckin scary place and I don’t care how suited up and flash that dad looked he shouldn’t have gotten in the car without his parents knowing. I mean I’d go ape shit at Shou if he arrived him driven by an adult I didn’t know! Sure, I’d say thank you and sorry for the inconvenience and all that but as soon as he had driven away I’d be all over Shou about getting into the car of a stranger.

At which point hub said I always spoke down on him, like his opinion never mattered and that perhaps, just sometimes I should shut up. . .

I apologised and said maybe my Japanese, seeing as I AM NOT JAPANESE, wasn’t right and that I didn’t intend to belittle his opinions but that it was OK FOR US TO HAVE DIFFERING OPINIONS and that healthy debate was a good thing.

Do you know what he said next?

Come on?


…. …..

Maybe sometimes I just shouldn’t have an opinion. . .


This is my Japanese husband, who wakes up and cooks the kids breakfast, makes their lunches for soccer … …


I think I snorted at that point – it was that or hit him over the head with a frypan and quite frankly my kids need a sensible mother at home not one in jail. I calmly told him it was extremely offensive to tell me not to have an opinion.

He said sorry.

AND THEN SAID, I guess these are the kinds of conversations we are just going to be having for now and for ever.. ….

All I can say is, thank god he got a blow job yesterday cause he ain’t seeing anything else for a long time….


Which kind of, in a round about way, brings me to the next wife lesson.

Last night I went out to dinner with some mummy friends. We got pissed and ranted about all the shit mums rant about. In the middle of this the conversation turned to soccer and four out of the five of us had kids who did, or are still doing, soccer. One kid stopped cause the family moved to Fukuoka. Another kid stopped cause he didn’t like biking through the dark tunnel to soccer practice in winter… … apparently.

I said that coach’s angry antics towards the kids was really shit lately and I didn’t know if Shou would make it to 6th grade still playing soccer – as in last week the coach, in front of our team, the opposing team and all the parents, screamed that he thought Shou was complete shit at every position and what the fuck should he do with him.

Please note that being an asshole coach is not uncommon in Japan. I think its supposed to build character or some shit.

Anyhoo, the mother of the boy that couldn’t bike through the tunnel said, you know the real reason we quit soccer was because coach was stalking me.. …. …

ME: WTF????


ME: WTF????


Her: Yeah, I’m really good friends with his little sister and have been going to their house since I was like 3 but damn, after he got married I started getting txts every day – with shit like … …

hey, I saw your car at the baseball field in the next town over, who were you with?

hey, let’s celebrate, just the two of us

hey, I thought you were supposed to be working today


It completely floored me. I have known him half me life. I know his wife. I teach their kids.


I am so confused. My image of him was not this at all. Another mum piped up that his image at work (like amongst the work ladies) was quite bad – he’s a bit of a playboy.

HOW could I have missed this?

I SHOULD NOT have brought this topic up with hub. I mean, hub does after all sit beside the coach at work. Hub is his boss.

He didn’t seem super surprised. He knows something.

And what did he say to me??


“too many opinions is a bad thing’

‘we wont last on ‘too many opinions’





watch this  space for divorce details.


I’m joking, kind of. I haven’t uttered the words yet but if the situation was different the words would have probably been uttered by now.

I love my husband for so many reasons, and yet just a couple of CUNTY characteristics could ruin it all. But I guess trying to suppress my opinion is a big cunting deal!!

You fucktard.


Thank you for putting up with the rant.



EDIT – I deleted this post the morning after posting it – thinking I had said too much. But then I re-read it sans beverages and fuck it, it is a pretty accurate account of what happened. I know hub would have a completely different blog post – about nagging wives and shit but damn, why can’t we have healthy debate? aka CONVERSATION about shit? Why do I have to be trying to be right all the time. FFS, sometimes I just want to speak English words so I say shit, for the sake of it.

I obviously need to watch my ‘for the sake of it’ shit. Maybe if I had an English speaking husband as well – like a reverse harlem – I’d be all good!! I wonder if the soccer coach can speak English!!!!


2 Aug

Bloody translation bollocks. Haven’t had that kind of bollocks for a while!! I have had translations but not accompanied by bollocks. Actually probably not so much bollocks and misunderstandings and financial jargon!

I got a request for an urgent project yesterday afternoon – to be completed by this evening. I had a look at the source document, realised it was was all financial bollocks and said that yes I could handle the requested 2,500 characters – well, I thought she said characters but it turns it she meant words. Which is fuckin stupid because you should never ask someone to do a translation on the amount of words of the target language.

Anyhoo she sends through the file and I go fuckity fuck and promptly pack a childish spaz in front of the children – who are home from summer school because hey, they had shrine dancing and soccer and shit all weekend and they’re knackered. I also have free lunch tickets for a place half an hour away so, in my head, we were all going to have a lovely outing.

This ‘in my head’ thing is a failing of parents worldwide. We should all go on outings prepared for everything possible turning to complete and utter shit, and then be pleasantly surprised when we make it home without a stranger having called child protective services or something. Although I will admit that outings are getting slightly easier in some insanity-induced form or other. I mean the kids don’t cry or puke all over my back anymore, but the shit that can spew forth from their mouth can just make you want to slide into a hole somewhere – I’m sure I tell the waitresses to seat me at the ‘gobble me up if necessary’ table.

Manners children. Where the FUCK are your FUCKIN manners. Fuck me you’ll all be in your rooms for an hour when we get home.

But this post is about fuckity fuck translations.

So I gathered together my bestest translations skills and made the kids turn on all technical devices and screens in the house so I could have a couple of hours of peace to deal with the financial jargony jargon of it all.

And then hub comes home and sees the explosion of life around him – aka, the mess that is usually cleaned up and sparkling by the time he comes home. He questions why I took the translation on at all? I said I fucked up the amount, I said yes, and now I have to suck it up and finish it so a bit of bloody …. …. rah rah – the rest was all said in my head. Including, you cunt! I may or may not have done the fingers behind his back as I walked out of the living room and back to my pit of coffee and translation.

Hub and the kids are all up in bed at 9pm. Or so I thought. Turned out Shou was still awake so I made him come in to my pit of doom and despair and do a couple of pages of summer vacay homework. You know it sucked but fuck, mum had turned into the ‘translation dragon of hell’ so really he just had to suck it up. He is now officially 4 pages over the quota he needs to turn in tomorrow – yes – when they have to go to school for class DURING THE SUMMER VACATION.

That is a completely different post, requiring photographic evidence and copious amounts of wine.

So I stayed up until midnight, wallowing in net profits and revenues and bastard cunt engineers who make supersonic antennas and shit (If somehow you are actually a bastard cunt engineer who stumbles on this blog on his/her journey to whatever then please re-read that as AWESOME engineer) and then I had to call it quits cause I was seeing double on the screen and I jest needed to snuggle up and go the fuck to sleep.

And then all of a sudden it was fuckin TODAY!! I had informed my project manager yesterday that I was incredibly sorry for misunderstanding her original email but that I was in no way capable of taking on the length of the file she sent – which was like 5,000 characters. Something I would ONLY take on in 24 hours if it was content matter I was like super familiar with, like content matter I had given birth to or something.

I am thinking I will have to somehow get through the whole thing as haven’t heard from her by like 10am.

And then I remember she’s in a different time zone. She emails me and tells me she has someone to take on what I can’t handle.

And then ensues about 13 emails of me telling her where I can get to and where the next person should start yaddah yaddah – only I haven’t taken into account that my english translations have made the page count on the source document and the document I am translating on all fucked up so yeah… …. we get our wires crossed a few times and in the end she assigns a part to the other person that starts right after the paragraph I REALLY didn’t want to do.

But hey, at least I know more about hydrogen batteries right!





It’s raining mum

26 Jul

And here, nearly week on, and I find myself nursing my second coffee after another very restless night! Gaaaaah, but thankful for the summer holiday program and not having to project manage three children for the day. God, I hope I heated everything up OK before making their bentos.

Our no TV, no screens and no alcohol Monday went well, bar the TV part – which we succumbed to because very entertaining program on fit for whole family – well, minus the bit on ‘practical jokes’ – one of which was of people riding elevators in Europe somewhere and the lights getting turned off, only to have a little girl in a white nightdress holding a scary doll turn up beside you when the lights come on. And THEN scream blue murder in your face. I would probably piss my pants!

But this post isn’t about me pissing my pants.

Oh no, today’s pissy pant post goes to Ryu.

After everyone else was in bed I got me a cup of cha and settled in for a couple of episodes of Masterchef Australia. Down to the wire we are. Finals night tonight! I headed up stairs just before midnight and was nearly asleep when Ryu comes down the hall very confused and out of sorts.

“Mum. My bed’s all wet”

“Oh, did you forget to go the loo before bed and after that really big shaved ice I let you have at 8pm…”

“No, but it’s not wee. Is it raining? Why is it only my bed thats wet?”

So there we both are, sniffing his wet pajamas at midnight.

I make him take off his PJs and then I strip his bed and take him downstairs naked to get more clothes on. After the other night’s extremely unsuccessful attempt of hub, Ryu and I sharing a bed I opt to get one of the downstairs guest futons out and put it in the TV room, with the aircon, because its still like 30 degree in the middle of the night. Ryu immediately falls back to sleep in the middle of the futon so I slide on up the side but am now fully awake and left alone with my thoughts – which went to the mini meetings we have with the teachers tonight. I haven’t been before I don’t think. I know I was in NZ last year and the year before at this time but maybe I went when Shou was in first grade. Anyhoo, thinking about how things need to be juggled with my English class, kid pick up, dinner, soccer drop off, mini meetings etc. Thank god Marina’s shrine dancing got cancelled – possibly because all parents will be at mini meeting.

I ended up vacating the futon for the couch, which was lucky because Shou was downstairs at 5:15. He was probably hoping to fit in a sneaky hour on Minecraft but didn’t seem too put out when he stumbled upon the futon and even went back to sleep for another hour.

It was a bit of a scramble to get the kids’ bentos ready and everything sorted and them off to the summer program so that I could get home with enough time to give a translation due at 9am a final once over.

But here we are.

So far today’s missions have been successfully completed.





Mrs D Is Going Without

Too much wine in rural Japan