Pumpkins, skeletons and nearly 9-year olds.

25 Oct

So its nearly damn Halloween folks! And do you know what that means? Only 8 fricken weekends till bloody Christmas. You don’t have to check. A Christmas-nut friend (we all have one) posted it on FB. I read the post and got both smiley happy and heart palpitations at the same time. Fuck. I have done nothing about Christmas yet – well, bar ordering shit I don’t even know if my children will like from a store in NZ to help fund my sister’s daughter’s kindergarten….

My sister is sending it over and I will then re-assess the situation and decide if Ryu or hub would be better suited to the flat drumming sound kit. . .

Today was my first of SEVEN Halloween parties I am obliged to single handedly hold for my English students over the next week. Well, I don’t have to do it. I do it out of love and the fact that I’m an over-achiever and like to make people happy. Last year I turned a single room in our house into a Halloween-inspired room. This year I have an office about three times the size. Not wanting to  disappoint the kids I told them all how fuckin fabulous I’d make it for Halloween.

And so I did.

But it took me two days, a roll of industrial farmers black plastic sheet (about 100m long), 200 drawing pins (push pins)  and approximately 4 bottles of wine, although this could be up for debate.

But meh, the room looks bloody fabulous and the first party today was a success. I even got a few screams when the girls entered the black room, with a lit-up pumpkin, scary music and a teacher waiting in the shadows to run out and scream at them looking like this ….


The class today was 11 year olds. Tomorrow I have three classes, the first of which is 6-year olds, so I guess I’ll be an age appropriate witch!!!

But back to the pumpkin. I got it for a bargain $5 in the town three towns over. Big pumpkins are extremely rare in this neck of the woods  so finding one was super exciting – despite the stupid bitch of a vestling women who kept commenting on how wonderful Marina’s Japanese was and how I MUST ask a male-staff worker to lift the pumpkin for me. Fuck, she went on for ever, so much so that her vestling friends started giving me sympathy looks.

I jack-o-lanterned it on Saturday. Spent two hours cutting and scooping and gradually losing feeling in my right arm. At one point I questioned whether I was actually left-handed, as my left arm was completely winning at the scooping shit (after an hour). When I bought it the pumpkin had a handwritten note on it saying ‘not for eating – only for decoration’ – so I threw the sweet smelling flesh and seeds into the vacant rice paddie next door. Much to Granny K’s dismay. No doubt the wild pigs would come stampeding through her neglected veggie patch in search of the sweet smelling honey of nectar pumpkin flesh. . .

They didn’t.

But it was an argument on the way to the eye doctor that we didn’t need to have!! Especially as I am just the driver ferrying her around everywhere. Seriously woman, don’t pick a fight with your free taxi.


AND, Marina turns 9 tomorrow!! Has anyone been reading this since she was a baby? Wow. How time flies.

She has been turning the house up-side-down looking for her presents . . .


Which are right beside me in a box underneath a case of unopened Slimfast!

Hmmmm, Maybe I’ll put a bottle under my pillow tonight and hope that shit works via osmosis ( ?)  I want to write this word but I’m not sure. Mum used to tell us to put our school books under our pillow the night before an exam – so that the information might filter into our brains through ?? osmosis?? Is there another word I’m thinking of? Hmmm.

No harm in trying I guess.


Nighty night campers,





This, That, and The Gruffalo

6 Oct

So I finished going to the fuckin dentist!!! Wahooooooooo. After seven visits, a root canal, two other fillings and a de-plaqueing I paid a TOTAL of 11,000 yen (or roughly 110 US$) and am now the proud owner of a silver tooth. A silver tooth mind you, that is only visible if I am laughing in full force right in front of your left eye.

Hence why I didn’t fork out $500 for the white cap🙂

Marina thinks it is sooooo cool that she asked her dentist to put in GOLD wire on her braces – see mum, you’ve only got silver. I’ve got GOLD!!!

Such is parenting.

In other super exciting news Granny K had eye surgery today! We had the following conversation about how she would get to the clinic…

  • GrannyK: Can you take me to the eye clinic on Thursday
  • Me: Sorry, Thursdays are my money making days. I make so much I start shitting yen out my cheeks at lunchtime. I’d prefer not to have to take time off. I could take you at 9am though? (clinic is 40 minute drive away – this timing would be me taking her AFTER volunteer reading at the school and before teaching at the school in the next town over from half ten)
  • Granny K: Meh, but then I’d get there two hours early and have to wait until my appointed time to check in for said surgery.
  • Me: Perhaps there is a bus?
  • Granny K: There is, but I’d still have to wait for an hour and a half at the clinic.
  • Me: mmmmmmm, perhaps hub could take half a day of (paid) leave?
  • Granny K: No, he told me just to catch the bus and wait. Don’t worry, I’ll ring the prized eldest son.
  • Me: But he lives TWO hours drive away? He is also a senior detective in the police force. He is extremely busy (he fuckin better be because he’s shirking all his eldest son responsibilities).
  • Granny K: I’ll try him.
  • Me: But that means taking a whole day off to drive two hours EACH way just so you don’t have to sit in a waiting room chair for 90 minutes?
  • Granny K: If you’re going to the supermarket today can you get me some Tofu?

Turns out the Eldest son said yes and thus today rocked up at 10am to take her. BUT, he rocked up with beer, so I guess all is forgiven. I hadn’t the heart to tell him that next time he tries to make amends for me doing 99% of Granny K’s running to and fro that he needs to order in cases of Cloudy Bay.

And another conversation of note was one that happened this morning – day of volunteer reading at the local school the kids go to.

  • Shou: Hey mum, what book are you going to read at reading today? (said in Japanese)
  • Me: The Gruffalo. I don’t think your class has heard that story for nearly two years!! (said in English)
  • Marina: (from the toilet) …..  Gruffalo Soldier, from the heart of America…

In general, and compared to ALL my friends on facebook married to Japanese men, I am completely failing at the ‘raising bilingual kids’ thing.

BUT fuck it, I’ll take a win on this one I think.

And will thus, pour myself a glass of something and pretend it is Cloudy Bay.

Love to the family.



Still Capless!

23 Sep

Another dentist appointment today. I really can’t be bothered going into it in detail except to say that the mold they took of my tooth to make the root canal cap wasn’t 100% fitting my tooth. So they took ANOTHER mold and I have to go back again on Wednesday. Seeing my blatant disappointment that this shitting dental saga wasn’t going to be finally over the dentist asked if he could do the other two fillings in my upper teeth. Not wanting to have wasted a trip to the dentist for nothing I said yes – at which point he tells me that one will need an anesthetic as is bigger than previously first thought.

So an hour later, three injections of anesthetic, two beautiful white fillings and a whopping $18 less in my wallet I leave the clinic. I wasn’t expecting to have an anesthetic so was thinking I would make up for my lack of breakfast by having an early lunch as soon as I left. The nurse told me not to eat until it had completely worn off so I left, ignored her and chewed the fuck out of some sweet and sour pork from the supermarket – on my right side.

In other news I have all the contents of our emergency evacuation bags out in the spare room after a frantic, and futile, search for a condom last night. I was ‘this’ sure I had one in the emergency medical kit – just waiting for that time when hub and I felt like a shag in the community center after we evacuate a 10m tsunami or whatever. Jeeze. God knows why I thought there was one in there. I must admit though that I was pleasantly excited about being reacquainted with the awesomeness that is the seven-way spade. I know I was suffering severe PTSD by association at the time I bought 30-year shelf life NASA food and the solar panel suitcase, but damn, that seven-way spade was a great investment.

Talking of condoms, hub and I had an awesome conversation about then a couple of days ago… I was brushing my teeth and he was in the other room watching TV

  • Hub: mumble mumble need to get some more mumble mumble
  • Me: Yeah, well we’re going to that mall tomorrow to watch ‘The Secret Life of Pets’ so why don’t we go a bit early and you can get some then.
  • Hub: We could always get them from the chemist on the way.
  • Me: We can’t get them from a bloody chemist. You should really try them on first.
  • Hub: What?
  • Me: Let’s go early and you can spend ten minutes trying some on before the movies so you get some that actually fit. There is GAP at the mall.
  • Hub: a GAP?
  • Me: Yeah, it’s an American store. Usually expensive but they are having a sale.
  • Hub: Do you think American ones are better?
  • Me: Well the quality is better than some of the other shops around here.
  • Hub: …… um ……
  • Me:  But don’t you have enough pairs of jeans anyway?
  • Hub: Jeans?
  • Me: …….??
  • Hub: I said ‘condoms’. We need some more ‘condoms’
  • Hub: Oh shit… hahahahahahahaha…. well that was awesome.

Needless to say we forgot to get some over the weekend, which led to me rifling through the seven-way spade, spare change of clothes, billy, candles and canned fish that expired in 2015 to try and find the medical kit – which I might add is very comprehensive. Quite proud of myself.

Despite the lack of emergency condoms!!


SDGH&QL you lot.


Dental Saga Continues

13 Sep

Went back to the dentists on Friday – fully expecting, yet again, to have root canal fully finished and over with before walking out the damn door. The roots definitely got canaled the fuck out of though, and are gone for good. All three of them. Even had an x-ray with dye to prove it! The anesthetic was amazing. They jacked up the amount from last week and I felt no pain. The dentist had to conceal his excitement when he finally got the third root though. A very satisfied ‘yosha’ in Japanese when that sucker was clean. Imagine that shit in the old days before anesthetic! You’d have to be completely shit-faced to even get in the dentist’s chair!

After removing the roots they then had to fill them with some sort of shite to stop any infection. I then got a lovely pink coating put on and told to come back in a week…

So, I paid the bill  – a grand total of 1000 yen (roughly 12 NZ dollars) and left – with my wallet still stuffed full of hundred dollar bills cause that’s how much I thought I’d be paying for my pristine white ceramic cap.

My next appointment was yesterday afternoon. Supposed to be morning but I had to take the cat to the vets, which is joyous two hour round drive. Fortunately the vet is fantastic and as prompt as a bullet train so I was only actually in the building for 4 minutes and 53 seconds. Which cost 5000 yen – in comparison to the 1.5 hours I was at the dentists… ….

So I head back to the dentists yesterday and am by now dubious that this might be the last visit. I have heard that in Japan dentists tend to break procedures up into slots and patients end up going back over and over again. Hence this is my fourth trip.

The temporary cap gets taken off, the dentist declares another round of antiseptic in the holes, and then tells me I have three small fillings that need doing on my upper teeth and should he get one over with today? I say yes, get that done and then pay the bill, a mere 1200 yen, and leave with my next appointment penciled in for this Friday!

In other news, we had soccer all weekend, stayed the night in between three games on both days and then had to drive three and a half hours home with two very tired children on Sunday night. Thank god it pissed down on Monday morning and we had an excuse for them to go to school in the car and not walk. In fact I piled almost the entire walking bus group into the car. 6 in our car and the High Tiger Boy and his sister in another.

Right, I’m in need of some English entertainment. My Tuesday three year old class really deals me over. There is one two year old and if her mum brings her she wont let her leave but today her dad brought her and she came running in all smiles. I gestured for the dad to leave because it looked like she was going to be fine. And she was for 25 minutes. And it’s just fuckin exhausting – trying to soothe one child while trying to teach the other six, while trying to wonder what the other two mothers and one father still there are thinking!! Gaaaaahhhhh.

She calmed down at the mention of crayons though so we spent the rest of the class coloring in outlines of their hands.

And I probably needed straight tequila tonight but I’m settling for a lemon chuhai instead.




7 Sep

So I had my dentist appointment last week and it was quite frankly a huge anticlimax. I had gone intending to get whatever the problem was completely fixed but after four injections, what felt like half a swollen face (but which the nurse told me looked normal), the serious nerve was still in horrid pain and not playing nice with the tunnel excavator. The dentist drilled what he could and then re-packed the hole with some kind of nerve killer and sent me on my way with a weeks worth of pain killers and a note to come back this Friday.

So I guess I’ll update again when the root canal palava is finally over.

The kids started back at school last Thursday – praise the fuckin lord. Not that I actually saw them all everyday over the holidays due to the summer program but I had to Japanesey wifey up three obentos every morning and well, there were trips to the doctors and Marina’s skin condition equalling days off the summer program, and of course my own English Summer Programs – which I think were probably not worth the time and effort, but the kids enjoyed it and one girl just told me at today’s class that she had been practicing the Poi (Maori dance with balls on strings – google it) and could now do the move I showed her on the Summer Program. She was so proud of herself and was planning on doing it for their up-coming version of Show and Tell. I guess that in itself makes it worthwhile.

Anyhoo, after two days at school a bloody typhoon comes along and all of sudden every activity over the weekend AND school on Monday is cancelled. Obviously typhoons don’t last for three days but the reporting on this one was extra crap and we at first thought it would arrive on Saturday – hence why my school in the next town over cancelled Saturday’s English classes. Twas a beautiful day. We could have even had the soccer BBQ that was planned but then cancelled – due to aforementioned typhoon. My kids (and hub and I) were all geared up to eat loads of yakiniku meat so we invited High Tiger Boy’s  family over for BBQ at our place!

Sunday’s soccer matches were also cancelled which was actually nice as I was meant to be on car pool duties. Having school cancelled on Monday was a bit stink though as is the only day I don’t teach and I need the time to sort the house out after the weekend, drink coffee, piss round on FB and play Jelly Splash – and newly Piano Tiles!! I’m quite liking it. In fact on the competition round I am, at my best, 84% better than the REST OF THE WORLD. LOL. Well, the other 1200 or so people from around the world who have done it. Tis all good until my eyes start doing weird shit. I tell myself it MUST be good for my brain to be able to react so quickly. Hence, is not game, is action of self improvement…

Right, off to tuck some kids into beds.




1 Sep

I fuckin hate the dentists and have had a humungous phobia about going to one in Japan because when I first got to Japan (18 or so years ago) it felt like every little kid I saw had black teeth and rarely did I see an adult with a beautiful smile. Thus why I put off going for more than SIX months and now I am in absolute agony and have an appointment at 11:30 tomorrow with some local anesthetic and what I imagine will be a drill the size of a tunnel excavator.

I had a filling in one of my back molars. A big filling, probably from about 20 years ago. A chunk of it came out and I knew exactly when this happened but because it didn’t hurt, and because I hate the dentists, I just let it be. Ya know, hoping that by some miracle of the lord jesus it would just fill itself right back in.

Until Sunday, when we were out having lunch before a viewing of the Jungle Book. All was grand until a fuckin pepper corn worked its way into the tunnel, hit the nerve and I bloody swear, the sharp pain was akin to ten seconds of pushing a big head out the saloon doors. I put my hand over my mouth and quietly excused myself from the table so I could do a fast walk, in my three inch bright green wedges (which were on their virgin outing after purchasing them 8 months ago – why or why Sunday of all days) , out to the car, swear profoundly as my hands shake with pain as I get some pain killers down the hatch.

The pain subsided enough for me to endure watching Mowgli fight Shere Kahn. I also managed a latte at Starbucks so I stupidly ‘thought’ the drugs I had brought at the local store were enough.

And then I went to the dentist yesterday – with Marina, who was getting her FIFTH bloody tooth pulled. She has braces now and a small jaw and big teeth – equalling not enough room to get them all nicely in line. I figured if she was enduring another round of gum injections and such that I could adult up and finally get my tooth looked at.

The dentist firstly told me off as was obvious had left for far too long. He then drilled the rest of the old filling out and filled it in with a temporary filling until he had more time to drill the fucker with the tunnel excavator – tomorrow.

Yay. TGIF.


Hopefully the anesthetic has worn off by the time I have to teach at 4pm. A dibbling mess does not a good English teacher make.


Oh, and on the hubby front – he’s being fine. There were a couple of ‘lost in translation’ moments this week – ones that I penned a post for in my mind but then got sidetracked by summer vacation bollocks, bento making and general procrastination-ness. Really should try and keep up the posting🙂




Lessons in Wifeyness and Shit

5 Aug

Tonight hub felt the need to impart two important lessons on how to be the bestest Japanese wife. This post will probably be filled with shitloads of sarcasm, and possibly the word cunt.

I wasn’t doing household shit. No, he had been out drumming at an ‘obon’ (festival of the dead) thing for  his friend and mentor who passed away a few months ago. He had been drinking and quite frankly I thought he wouldn’t get home till like 11 so hearing him walk through the door at 9:20 was against my Masterchef and wine schedule.

I decided to do my wife duties by going in and pouring his drinks and sitting beside him while we watched aimless, but sometimes very entertaining, Japanese variety programs on TV. It was funny, life was grand. And then the ads come on.

There was an ad about a lonely kid who was walking home from school when another kid invited him over to play soccer. They obviously bonded extremely well in that 20 minutes they were playing soccer because when the cool kid’s dad came to pick him up in his flash new Toyota or whatever the kid invites the poor lonely kid to get a ride home – because they are now ‘friends’ right? The poor kid looks super happy, jumps in the car of an adult he has never met before, puts on his seatbelt (this probably wouldn’t happen normally in Japan) and off they go.

I say, in a kind of wondering to the universe kind of way, ‘why would they show an ad about a kid getting into the car of an adult he has never met before – the father of a kid he was not friends with until 20 minutes ago???’ Note there have been killings in Japan of parents killing their kid’s friends and this ad made me think of that – although in that instance they kids were actually friends and the killer mother was jealous of the other kid or whatever.

Hub was all like no, he should be able to get into anybody’s car. I’m like, of course he ‘should’ be able to but the world is a fuckin scary place and I don’t care how suited up and flash that dad looked he shouldn’t have gotten in the car without his parents knowing. I mean I’d go ape shit at Shou if he arrived him driven by an adult I didn’t know! Sure, I’d say thank you and sorry for the inconvenience and all that but as soon as he had driven away I’d be all over Shou about getting into the car of a stranger.

At which point hub said I always spoke down on him, like his opinion never mattered and that perhaps, just sometimes I should shut up. . .

I apologised and said maybe my Japanese, seeing as I AM NOT JAPANESE, wasn’t right and that I didn’t intend to belittle his opinions but that it was OK FOR US TO HAVE DIFFERING OPINIONS and that healthy debate was a good thing.

Do you know what he said next?

Come on?


…. …..

Maybe sometimes I just shouldn’t have an opinion. . .


This is my Japanese husband, who wakes up and cooks the kids breakfast, makes their lunches for soccer … …


I think I snorted at that point – it was that or hit him over the head with a frypan and quite frankly my kids need a sensible mother at home not one in jail. I calmly told him it was extremely offensive to tell me not to have an opinion.

He said sorry.

AND THEN SAID, I guess these are the kinds of conversations we are just going to be having for now and for ever.. ….

All I can say is, thank god he got a blow job yesterday cause he ain’t seeing anything else for a long time….


Which kind of, in a round about way, brings me to the next wife lesson.

Last night I went out to dinner with some mummy friends. We got pissed and ranted about all the shit mums rant about. In the middle of this the conversation turned to soccer and four out of the five of us had kids who did, or are still doing, soccer. One kid stopped cause the family moved to Fukuoka. Another kid stopped cause he didn’t like biking through the dark tunnel to soccer practice in winter… … apparently.

I said that coach’s angry antics towards the kids was really shit lately and I didn’t know if Shou would make it to 6th grade still playing soccer – as in last week the coach, in front of our team, the opposing team and all the parents, screamed that he thought Shou was complete shit at every position and what the fuck should he do with him.

Please note that being an asshole coach is not uncommon in Japan. I think its supposed to build character or some shit.

Anyhoo, the mother of the boy that couldn’t bike through the tunnel said, you know the real reason we quit soccer was because coach was stalking me.. …. …

ME: WTF????


ME: WTF????


Her: Yeah, I’m really good friends with his little sister and have been going to their house since I was like 3 but damn, after he got married I started getting txts every day – with shit like … …

hey, I saw your car at the baseball field in the next town over, who were you with?

hey, let’s celebrate, just the two of us

hey, I thought you were supposed to be working today


It completely floored me. I have known him half me life. I know his wife. I teach their kids.


I am so confused. My image of him was not this at all. Another mum piped up that his image at work (like amongst the work ladies) was quite bad – he’s a bit of a playboy.

HOW could I have missed this?

I SHOULD NOT have brought this topic up with hub. I mean, hub does after all sit beside the coach at work. Hub is his boss.

He didn’t seem super surprised. He knows something.

And what did he say to me??


“too many opinions is a bad thing’

‘we wont last on ‘too many opinions’





watch this  space for divorce details.


I’m joking, kind of. I haven’t uttered the words yet but if the situation was different the words would have probably been uttered by now.

I love my husband for so many reasons, and yet just a couple of CUNTY characteristics could ruin it all. But I guess trying to suppress my opinion is a big cunting deal!!

You fucktard.


Thank you for putting up with the rant.



EDIT – I deleted this post the morning after posting it – thinking I had said too much. But then I re-read it sans beverages and fuck it, it is a pretty accurate account of what happened. I know hub would have a completely different blog post – about nagging wives and shit but damn, why can’t we have healthy debate? aka CONVERSATION about shit? Why do I have to be trying to be right all the time. FFS, sometimes I just want to speak English words so I say shit, for the sake of it.

I obviously need to watch my ‘for the sake of it’ shit. Maybe if I had an English speaking husband as well – like a reverse harlem – I’d be all good!! I wonder if the soccer coach can speak English!!!!

Mrs D Is Going Without

Too much wine in rural Japan