Sorry you are sad :(

9 Jan

Sometimes I go on the defensive. Like Now.

To the commenter who suggested that ‘it was sad that I couldn’t plan anything fun that didn’t involve alcohol’….

I had sex last night. It was immensely fun and didn’t involve any alcohol. But then it wasn’t planned so I guess it doesn’t count. The kids and I had a dance off in our PJs to Avril Lavigne’s ‘Girlfriend’ this morning before school. It was fabulous. Quite crazy in fact. I was dead sober for it too. Amazeballs. But then that wasn’t planned either.

So, why do a lot of the upcoming plans involve alcohol?

No excuses. I enjoy having a drink.

I have acknowledged that since the ill slash dead parent thing I have been drinking far too much. To the point where I knew it wasn’t ‘fun’ any more in such quantities and almost every night. It was overlapping with other parts of my life, in adverse ways. Making me cranky, making it hard to lose weight, wasting money, making me spend every night thinking, just as soon as I’m home from the soccer run, or the ballet run, or just as soon as English has finished and I have picked up the kids I. Can. Have. A. Drink – and then everything will be OK. I’ll calm the fuck down, kids screaming and bickering wont be able to get into that corner of my brain that wants to just scream itself – because the wine would have already gotten there first and I would have started turning into nice, relaxed mummy.

Three weeks without a drink is a major for me. I’m on day 9. Encouragement would be grand thankyou.

I, myself, personally, am not sad that my ‘fun’ plans in NZ include alcohol. To be honest a lot of them probably wont but because you all know I’m trying to not drink at the moment I guess it is just at the forefront of my mind lately.  It’s not like I plan on rocking up to my friend’s house the night I arrive (after we have spent the afternoon having some girlie shit like pedicures – fuck – better txt her and just make sure she wasn’t planning on bringing bubbles or anything cause damn, I have to try and have fun without it) and demand to see the grog cabinet – cause fuck its been three weeks and I. am. thirsty.

No, my visions of this night are possibly a glass of nice wine with dinner, then I imagine her girls will want to show me all their toys and tell me all the stories, maybe another glass after her kids are in bed and then a few hours of gossiping and catching up and a big fat cup of ‘cha’ tea before bed. It will be fun. Haven’t seen her for over a year.

The next day I spend a whole fun alcohol free day having lunch with two different friends who are flying up to Auckland and then hitting some outlet stores before finding a nice place for dinner, damn it, and quite possibly a glass of wine.  Actually, one friend gets a funny tummy if she drinks and the other is still breast-feeding so actually we may not have any alcohol at all. (note to self – despite maybe not having anything to drink please remember to have fun out for dinner with Tash and Ange OK)

The next day I fly down to the South Island with my recovering drinkie sister. Can’t see myself getting sloshed on the plane with her – and in fact we are flying Jetstar and haven’t prepaid for any alcohol so I guess I’ll have to sustain for that whole one hour 10am flight. This will NOT be a fun experiences as is the same flight we were on with the entire family (including mum and dad in boxes in the back) on the way to bury them when the plane started falling out of the sky, people started screaming and vomiting and I looked over at hub and said ‘I love you’ as I held the kids and said everything would be fine.

Fuck it. I need a drink just thinking about it. Might possibly have to have glass of wine at airport before get on flight. Bloody hell. I’m attaching alcohol even to some non-fun experiences. Gaaaahhhhhh.

Shoot me.

That night is the hen’s night. I imagine I will squiff bubbles while waving round giant plastic penis of some description. Imagine will be fabulously fun evening.  But in moderation of course, as the wedding is the next day.

So, the wedding. A nice adult affair where I plan on sipping wine whilst catching up with relatives who I haven’t seen since we buried mum and dad. I imagine I might get a bit teary eyed at some stage but don’t think this will be alcohol induced. Fuck it. Ok, so it might be.

Next day is post wedding BBQ and trip to see mum and dad. That night us four siblings are going out for swanky dinner in Queenstown – if we haven’t all started fighting by then that is. Will be lovely and quite possibly last time get to do such thing sans partners and sans children ever. Am well looking forward to it.

Next night is back up to Auckland to stay with different two friends, also travelling from far and wide to catch up. Am very lucky girl to have such fabulous friends. These are my best friends from high school and I’d be lying to say we probably wont open a bottle or two. I’d also be lying if I said it wont be fun.

Will be fabulous.

The next night, my last night, I stay at my sisters, where I imagine the fact she is a recovering alcoholic, has three small children, and that I am flying out at 8am the next morning will prohibit me from lining up tequilla shots along their bench. I still plan on having a fun night thought.

But you could be right, it could be a completely crap night because I haven’t planned it with alcohol.

Upon my return to the land of slimey shiitake mushrooms, green tea and sushi I plan on continuing to have fun, but sans the alcohol every night. I really want to succeed at this and am giving this the best try I can at the moment.

I am sorry that my fun plans with wine and friends and possibly ten kebabs makes YOU sad.

I’m not sad. You would not believe how excited I am about this trip. And it would still be exciting without the wine but damn girl, ten sans children days for the first time in 7 years and sorry to say, but fun, and wine, will be had.

And apologies to every one else. Sometimes it is hard not to take a comment personally and not get on the defensive. But then that’s probably something all ‘addicts’ do. I personally think I’m doing very very well and that even after my sad holiday of fun and wine, weddings, coffee, water and Feijoa juice,  that I will be able to get back into my current plan upon my return to the land of the rising sun.

And apologies for not doing my update yesterday. Had an UNO-off with Shou, followed by the bath and bedtime routine, followed by hub and some crazy Japanese TV over a cup of tea, followed by business time.

Shhhh, don’t start thinking I’m having any fun over here without wine now will ya.

SDGH&QL

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40 Responses to “Sorry you are sad :(”

  1. michele January 9, 2014 at 1:49 am #

    I’m proud of ya!
    I never considered you to be a heavy drinker honestly. I guess some people read your blog and think that because they see it in a post that it’s all the time. They don’t see you on a daily basis, so how the heck would they know? Trust me, I married one and he’s been sober for about 2 years now. It hasn’t been easy but his health has improved dramatically. Having a drink on occasion is totally fine and it’s nobody’s business but yours. 🙂

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 3:11 am #

      Thank you Michele 🙂 I don’t know why I get so defensive – probably because I know I’ve had a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol for the last three or so years. Its is good to finally be getting things on track! Here’s to my health improving a lot too. For the moment I’ll just bask in the glory of having my ankles back 🙂 xx

  2. Kelly January 9, 2014 at 2:21 am #

    Congrats on 9 days! kicking something is always hard…I’ve never been a big drinker, mainly because my father died of a heart attack due to being a heavy drinker…maybe it scarred me for life. BUT, I am addicted to my daily cups of tea with milk and two sugars, and I find it really hard to stop biting my nails, and that’s been a lifelong addiction I somehow can’t kick because when I get nervous I can’t help myself.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself!
    I’m sure that the commenter who left the crappy comment isn’t a saint either, in fact I bet their life isn’t all roses!

    Stay strong and know that we’re all behind you.
    I don’t know if you have such a thing in NZ but in Oz we have “Appletiser” and “Grapetiser”, and if you feel like having a drink, you might be able to have one of those which are non-alcoholic but still bubbly like the real thing. 🙂

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 3:13 am #

      Thank you Kelly. I feel better just writing about it. So very therapeutic. I doubt anybody’s life is all roses. Thank you for the support.

  3. Marii January 9, 2014 at 5:01 am #

    reading your blog for a while now, I am still amazed how you can handle all this stress on a daily basis. As a mom of three you sure deserve your Chu-hi at the end of the day 😉 you care super well for your kids, your husband, the household and everything else, so what?!

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 5:41 am #

      Its not all that bad really 🙂 Only the stressful negative bits tend to make it to blog status. And I agree, I think I do deserve a chuhai at the end of the day too – unfortunately it wasn’t staying at just a chuhai so going without for a while will be good! also agree with the so what!! I shouldn’t let what other people think piss me off. Stay calm and carry on, have another wine and all that 🙂

  4. E January 9, 2014 at 5:06 am #

    Fuck that judgmental cunt. Treat yo’ self however you enjoy (and congrats on the 9+ days)!

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 5:39 am #

      The trip home is definitely a ‘treat myself’. Wouldn’t go so far as to call her judegmental but then I guess it did get my back up and put me on the defensive. Great vid!

  5. Emily January 9, 2014 at 5:51 am #

    I haven’t been reading comments on your blog, so forgive me if I repeat what other people have said.

    I think it’s perfectly fine to both want to reduce your drinking and look forward to having a few glasses of wine with your friends – it’s not incompatible, and you shouldn’t have to be defensive. You have plenty of sober fun, as you’ve demonstrated.

    I read an article yesterday about having a dry January http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2014/01/07/drynuary_and_moderation_management_drinking_problems_don_t_come_in_black.html&cd=1&ved=0CCoQqQIwAA&usg=AFQjCNFywmhhh_jcN2xgcleKWCz16AEdWQ&sig2=xolc5GlU4yevmN5mL5wjlw which mentioned Moderation Management. I took note of it because a friend’s husband has been having problems, and I thought it might be of interest to them.

    I’m sure you’ll have a great time in NZ, I’m sorry I’ll miss you, but maybe next time you come with the kids, we can catch up again 🙂

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 5:55 am #

      Thanks Em. “I think it’s perfectly fine to both want to reduce your drinking and look forward to having a few glasses of wine with your friends – it’s not incompatible, and you shouldn’t have to be defensive” – thank you 🙂 I feel the same way. Moderation is definately the key. Would love to be able to bring the kids for a visit, admire the views, feed the horses. Am still contemplating the logistics of a 6 month stint from June or just a two month stint over the Japanese summer holidays. xx

  6. Persnickety January 9, 2014 at 6:55 am #

    Congrats on making it thus far. It’s not easy
    What we see of a bloggers life is what they choose to put on the blog. It’s what they are thinking about, what their issues are, or their successes. We don’t see the other things that make up the rest of their life. You have recognized that you have ( in your opinion) an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and so it is a topic you are blogging about. I wouldn’t see it as you can’t have fun without it.

    Good luck with maintaining this.

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 8:08 am #

      sometimes I think I just presume everybody must realise my whole life isn’t like my blog. I do have times where I reflect on gaijinwife and think I/ she has a raging mouth that just needs to quit sometimes. Ya’ll don’t need to know everything. Thank you for the congratulations and luck. 9 days in and I had a ‘good’ morning with the kids this morning. Not a singly shouty word was had by anyone. First time in quite possibly ever. xx

  7. Denise January 9, 2014 at 7:31 am #

    Katy….first of all well done on breaking the nightly drinking habit….it will make the bubbles you enjoy with friends at home all the more special. Needing to drink every day is not good for your health or figure but for fuck’s sake your life is stressful enough without the trauma of losing your parents so close together…..if the odd chuhai or sav blanc helped get you through it then who has the right to criticise. When you come to the realisation on your own that it is a habit you don’t need any more just to survive then you are more than able to take action and good for you that you are sensible enough to know that a few drinks with friends at home is a very different thing to drinking by yourself in the kitchen.
    I hope you enjoy every minute of your break away from life in Japan…you deserve it.

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 8:05 am #

      Thank you Denise. Breaking it was hard – its less hard nine days in 🙂

    • Susan January 10, 2014 at 1:50 am #

      Katy, the above hit home with me as I went through a period of my life where I was drinking waaaaaay too much. Right after my first husband died – very suddenly – I was only 35, alone with two little kids, and every night I couldn’t wait to get them to bed so I could ‘unwind’ with vodka & tonic, which added up to several bottles of vodka a week. Hey, it got me through the worst period of my life. When I didn’t need to anesthesize myself anymore, I went back to ‘social’ drinking. Also, your timeline of what you visualize as your trip home is a great idea. I have a yoga coach/diet guru who always has me talk through upcoming social events so I can try & plan my food. Does it always go exactly according to plan? Of course not, but thinking & trying to plan ahead as you’ve done really does help. Lots of love & kudos coming your way … I admire you greatly for lots of reasons & am so glad you’ve kept on blogging. Have a really fabulous time back home …. KIDLESS – whoo hoo!!!!!!!!!

      • gaijinwife January 10, 2014 at 2:15 am #

        Thank you Susan. So sorry to hear about your first husband 😦 But very glad you decided to comment. And you’ve hit home with your “When I didn’t need to anesthesize myself anymore, I went back to ‘social’ drinking”. Some way or another, usually with a drink at night, I have gotten through some very tough years, and whilst sadness and disbelief that they are still gone can take me by surprise at times these times are getting fewer and farther between. It doesn’t mean to say I dont miss them, it is that I don’t need the alcohol any longer to ease the pain, or make things ‘OK’. Thank you so much. And yes, fabulous times a coming 🙂

  8. japanmama January 9, 2014 at 8:59 am #

    Love it. I’m not sure I could give up coffee for even a week. Or a day perhaps.

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 9:59 am #

      Neither. Although its somewhere on my list of things to give up at some time!

  9. Ruth January 9, 2014 at 9:48 am #

    You’re doing great! Everyone has their weaknesses whether it’s wine or chocolate or whatever. I have not had one day without chocolate since the New Year began, despite my good intentions and plans to be a hot Bridesmaid in November. You have to have something to work towards. I hardly ever drink anymore but a holiday is definitely a time to let your hair down. I wouldn’t have even contemplated a “dry” trip to Japan. Keep up the good work! xxxx

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 9:59 am #

      Thank you my friend 🙂 You look hot anyway. And you’ve still got ten months if you need it!

  10. Ruth January 9, 2014 at 9:49 am #

    Btw, where is the Arashi Post? (You can use the queuing photo of me for illustrative purposes if you like!)

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 9:58 am #

      LOL – thank you. Was going to ask you if I could! Will help add to atmosphere 🙂

  11. Corinne January 9, 2014 at 10:01 am #

    I’m loving this everyday blogging, you’re inspiring me to get off my lazy arse!!
    You are fantastic, drunk every night of the week or not, and good on you for trying to better yourself, the nightly drinking habit is an easy one to get into here (or maybe anywhere??) but nobody would blame you for being a raging alcoholic with Granny K alone to deal with! 😉
    I kind of like getting a comment that gets my back up every now and again, it keeps things real and nice to know everyone isn’t just blowing smoke up my arse, plus it gets the blood pumping!!
    Keep going with the no alcohol, if you can do it maybe I’ll give kicking my nightly after dinner choccie habit a go!

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 10:18 am #

      haha – true. It does. Just like people don’t get the chuhai and wine thing, I don’t get the chocolate thing. Have had loads of chocolate in the house for months. It gets very sparingly dished out to kids and otherwise hidden or I fear Marina would just scoff it all! hers isnt a chocolate thing per se though, she’s just addicted to food full stop – bar my roast vegies this evening. She refused to finish and is now sulking in Granny K’s room cause she can’t have anything else till breakfast. Good luck to you though. If I can do the grog thing you can definitely do the chocolate thing. You have prooved you will of stone before 🙂

  12. paola January 9, 2014 at 10:59 am #

    It s very difficult to emerge unscathed from an experience so hard and sad as you went through with your parents. So don t be too hard with yourself. You increase alcohol? Ok. But now you realized, faced it and you are taking measures. More responsible you can’t be.
    Let people who judge get through extreme situations and we will see how they emerge. It s nobody s business but your family and yours.
    I’m reading Meghan O’ Rourke “The long goodbye” and she explains incredible well how grief can be devastating. “Grief doesn’t make you noble. Sometimes it just makes you crazy, or primitive with fear”.
    By the way, i recommend it to anybody who wants to understand suffering during grieving or for help with this process.
    Wish you the best for your trip home!

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 2:15 pm #

      Thank you 🙂 I’ll look into that book. Sometimes I think I’m coping quite well but I know going back to where they both are for the first time since we buried them will be hard. At least I won’t have kids to chase round. Xx

  13. Debra January 9, 2014 at 1:06 pm #

    You are doing fabulous!! It’s hard to break a habit – ANY habit – and alcohol gets loaded with all sorts of significance in a way that makes your goal even harder. Don’t let an off comment get under your skin – you have a well thought out plan that you are executing brilliantly – yay you!!!

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 1:34 pm #

      Thank you Debra. I nearly didn’t press publish on this post, but I’m glad I did. I think it’s not a bad plan either. For the time being 🙂

  14. Debra January 9, 2014 at 1:06 pm #

    and what’s a “chuhai” ?

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 1:42 pm #

      A chuhai is like an RTD ready to drink with a base of Japanese shochu. Most are about 5% but there are 8 and 9% ones too.

  15. Susie January 9, 2014 at 5:06 pm #

    Oh that’s rough. But I feel ya on getting a tad on the defensive. Trust me if I posted how often I drink and how much fun I have I would probably get a bit of the stink eye from a few. There is a saying in my family, “With the Ojeda’s it’s never just one.” As in drinks…. it seriously is a THING, even my cousins I hadn’t met until adulthood. I met them at a family bbq and it’s totally a fact. My hubs even says so when I head out to the pub to have a drink with my gal pal…. “It’s never just one with you.” Though it hurts it’s kinda true but I have gotten much better at it. Though there have been some screw ups where 1 turns into a 1 with a trail of numbers behind it. I think you are doing fantastic, cutting back is better than not at all. So you go have your fun (and drinks) and just try to be mindful, you can do it girl!

    • gaijinwife January 9, 2014 at 10:53 pm #

      I was talking to a Japanese firend yesterday and she said why don’t I just drinkt he no-alcohol stuff? Which to me makes no sense. If I’m not having a drink I don’t need to pretend to look like I’m having a drink and I don’t drink for because I long for the flavor ya know! Often I would get to like 9pm, the kids were in bed and THEN I’d cave and say fuck it, I’m off to the store to get a couple of chuhai before it closes kind of thing. Two chuhais at night is OK, not worried about that so much as the constant every night thing. Hardly a night off and it must just be destroying my liver, not to mention our bank balance. At the moment it has to be cold turkey cause I want to know, for myself, that I can stop for three weeks. Once I’ve done it once its a mental thing. The first four days or week are definitely the worst I had ANOTHER good morning with the kids so eventhough I’m not losing that excess fluid and seeing the scales change at the moment I am starting to see the other posities. Would ya believe my tongue looks heaps better. Isn’t that a strange thing. Maybe alcohol rips the taste buds off it or something 🙂 Thanks for your message Susie. They are all appreciated but having encouragement from people that ‘get it’ really helps. xxx

  16. Penny January 10, 2014 at 12:06 am #

    I completely understand about what you said about getting defensive. I take everything personally, I think with little kids you have so much (and yet so little) time to dwell on other peoples often flippant comments. I hope your trip is absolutely amazing, imgaine a plane flight with no children!!!

    • gaijinwife January 10, 2014 at 12:46 am #

      I know – its almost the most exciting part 🙂 I’m going to feel restless, like I’m missing a limb – for oh, about the first seven minutes and then I think I might watch an ENTIRE movie, go to the loo a few times just to remember what its like on my own, and eat a whole meal, using both my knife and fork and perhaps even putting them down in between mouthfulls. Really take my time 🙂 Hopefully I don’t automatically go and just rip the bread roll in half of the person sitting beside me!!

  17. michele January 10, 2014 at 7:22 am #

    First off, I’m giddy that I re-found your blog. Second, I think it’s sad that people judge someone in a way that seems so out of context and on a life that seems so normal to me. I don’t think it’s sad that you may have a glass of wine here or there or are merely thinking about it. I think it’s excellent that’s you’ve come this far and are doing so well. I also think I need to add more impromptu (not planned!! What?!?) dance parties with my little one.
    I also got a bit annoyed that the off comment came from someone with the same name as me. I will admit I had a flash of “oh nooooo!” that you thought *I* said that. Then I realistically realized that I am not a frequent enough commenter to be on a first name basis and that I am not the only michele in the world. 😉

    I’ll step off my high horse now. The sarcasm and bitterness is a direct result of the migraine and pms. 🙂

    • gaijinwife January 10, 2014 at 7:40 am #

      Thank you Michele 🙂 I’ve calmed the fuck down a bit about the whole thing now. Shouldn’t feel the need to get defensive about shit. I’m sure it wasn’t meant in a bad way anyway but at the time I felt a bit pissed off. Glad it wasn’t you though. There do seem to be a few of you Micheles 🙂 And yeah, highly recomend the impromptu PJ dance parties. This mornings some how turned into a chat with Marina about episiotomies :p Bloody hell. But thats another post! Hope the migraine and pms-ing a gone soon. If in doubt, a person who used to have fun told me wine helps :p

  18. Michelle January 10, 2014 at 5:02 pm #

    I really didn’t mean it in any bad way. I’m shocked my comment has rubbed you this way. 😦
    Should I give you my phone number so you can yell at me on the phone? Might be more relieving for you. And I *might* get the chance to defend myself. -.-
    Gawd. Suddenly people call me a cunt and all… O.O

    • gaijinwife January 10, 2014 at 10:54 pm #

      I do appologise Michelle. It shouldn’t have rubbed me the wrong way. Everybody has their right to their opinion and I can 100% see me saying the same thing to my sister in a similar situation years ago. I thought ‘fuck, I dont need a drink to have fun damn you’, reacted, wrote the post, and people reacted. A lot of people just want to encourage me and I agree the name calling is out of line. Its easy to do online when nobody actually knows anybody else. BUT, this post brought in a couple of comments that have really helped and been very therapeutic. I am sorry it all seems to be at your expense when you weren’t meaning it in a bad way.

    • illahee January 10, 2014 at 10:58 pm #

      you were incredibly rude and thoughtless. perhaps you should be more careful in the future.

      GW, you know i love you, and i always show up at your door with at least one bottle of wine! i’m so excited for you, i kinda jealous, going away without the kids!! have so much fun, i’m sure you will whether a glass of alcohol is involved or not!!

      • Michelle January 11, 2014 at 8:25 am #

        I really will be more careful, so there won’t be a next where I get dragged out in public and beaten with a stick. I just wish GW would have dealt with me via messages or email instead of starting a shitstorm at my expense just because I DARED being genuinely worried.
        I just saw alcohol doing bad things to otherwise great people. I’m glad nobody else (obviously) has made these experiences.

        My comment even included a “sorry”. So rude.

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Mrs D Is Going Without

Too much wine in rural Japan

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