Bumhole Stitches

10 Jan

I’m overloaded tired on translations so I’m going to call it a night. So this will be quick.

This morning, as we were having a ninja bum wriggle contest (don’t ask), Marina stopped and asked me straight out if she would have to get her bumhole stitched up when she had a baby. For the love of god girl. I don’t think I’d even had a coffee yet. It was all just too early for the episiotomy talk. I asked her who had been talking about it and she said M-chan – whose mum has just had another baby and obviously isn’t bounding round the house having dance parties with the older two because she still has a sore bum.

I told Marina that sometimes yes, the doctor very carefully and painlessly (no point working her up about that stuff right now) stitches your bum up – No, darling, the baby doesn’t come out your bumhole it comes out your fanny. Yes, sometimes that needs a stitch or two as well. Yes Shou, some mummies do get them cut directly out of their tummies. Its called a C-section. A. B.C. C. Yes. C. No, Marina, not your whole bum darling, you’ll still be able to go to the loo. But some mummies didn’t need it done (again, didn’t tangent about hypno birthing perineal inflatable balloons or perineal cream massaging). Its OK darling. Nobody will force you to have babies. You can think about that all a lot lot lot lot lot later on OK. Yes, I can put ‘Girlfriend’ on again – we are going through a bit of an Avril stage in our house ever since I played it in the new car and the new car automatically downloaded it or recorded it or whatever the fuck it does and I haven’t gotten around to putting more CDs in!! Well, apart from Bob Marley and according to Marina that is a load of shite that one can not possibly dance party or ninja bum wriggle to.

Right, must get to bed. Last  night I had this brilliant idea of having a sleep over in our bed with Shou and Ryu. Marina was being a 6-year-old beeyatch, refused to eat my lovingly prepared roast dinner, called it disgusting, dry wretched, refused a bath, told me she hated me and then ran to Granny’s room, where I proceeded to ignore her cause I was over the abuse and not interested quite frankly in sitting down (again) at her level and trying to reason blood out of a stone. I asked if she wanted to come up to bed. She huffed and puffed so I told her father to deal with her while I went and snuggled with my boys. Ha. the old ignore and avoid parenting technique.

Sometimes its the only way to roll on through without a huge blowout in our house.

And so up to bed we go. I pile a few more blankets on Ryu’s bed so that hub wont be cold – he needs like ten blankets to feel snug. I think it’s just a lead up to those seven vests he’ll need to be wearing in 20 years.

I tried, I really did, but damn Ryu still 360s at night and I got a good slap in the face twice in ten minutes. I lay there dead still in the center between the boys for 15 minutes. They fell asleep, I creeped down stairs and an hour later transferred Shou to his own bed so Ryu could starfish to his hearts content and I could snuggle up to the unabusive (inabusive? non-abusive? well mannered? good tempered?) wall.

So tonight its back to sleeping with hub.

At least he only snores and doesn’t slap me in his sleep.



2 Responses to “Bumhole Stitches”

  1. Jen in Chch January 11, 2014 at 8:23 am #

    Early in our marriage I had a nightmare and belted my husband right across the top of his head. He said it was bloody lucky for me that we were already married!
    Ironically he does the starfish trick quite often – I LOVE sleeping in the spare bed 🙂

    • gaijinwife January 11, 2014 at 9:43 am #

      haha, I can imagine 🙂 Fortunately for me hub just has leg twitches and snores. Sometimes I think we’re having an earthquake but usually its OK!

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