I’m Baaaaaaaaaack

31 Jan

Said in that voice of that person who played that character that may or may not have been in the movie The Shining, or Poltergeist. I have no idea and google isn’t being very cooperative tonight. Regardless folks. I’m back.

From ten days of business class (not to be confused with ‘business time’ – of which I had, quite rightly, zilch), fabulous friends, fine food, fine wine, a wedding, a hen’s night (not in that order, cause that would just be weird), and a reunion of sorts, with ma and pa.

All SANS children.

Sans my children, and sans your children. Not sans all of the people I met up with’s children – but sans a lot. And in business class, from Seoul to Auckland, when I arrived in my seat on the second floor – sans every child ever born. Insane man. That place is IN fuckin SANE. No more than five minutes after boarding I was listening to violin music and sipping bubbles, oblivious to the chaos that must have followed that family of five on with their newborn and two toddlers.

In my yoga pants, thermal socks, ugg boots and ugly but comfy ten-dollar jersey.

But alas, I didn’t ‘rock’ business class. I’m too ‘under privileged’ for that. Or is it ‘over privileged’? I’m not sure. But on the first leg, from Fukuoka to Seoul I somehow got put in prestige prestige (as opposed to just the one prestige). Seated in the very front row of seats in the plane the pilot, or first captain or whatever, himself came out to say hello and thank us for flying. He only did it to me and the two Prada suit dressed men in the other two front row seats.

I felt ‘THIS’ stupid *holds thumb and forefinger up in a pinch like gesture*.

FUCK – I didn’t mean under privileged before, I think I meant un-entitled?? Felt like my cover would be blown, that I didn’t actually fly business class normally (as if this fact wasn’t blatantly obvious anyway as spent ten minutes trying to locate headphone  plug hole thingy) – and that perhaps there was a flashing sign somewhere that said ‘hey, I usually fly back there, but after ten years of flying ‘back there with screaming children’, I have spent all my air miles upgrading to flying utopia’.

Oh, and forgive the yoga pants. The Prada ones were at the cleaners.

Can you even pur-chase Prada yoga pants?

However, to put a damper on things, I’m not a great flier. full stop. Turbulence has me saying hail mary’s in my head – and I’m not religious so I have to make that shit up, which is OK I think, as it all involves the words God and please and ‘If you don’t let me die’ I’ll do A, B,C and Z, PLUS actually follow through on that diet AND be a nicer, more Montessori type, mum to my kids… etcetera.

Arriving in Auckland (all refreshed and moisturized with that free lotion and eye gel you get in business class – not that I’m rubbing it in or anything… ok, so I rubbed the free lotions and gel in), I had THE FASTEST EVER immigration run through known to man.

My passport has a chip. A chip means you can go through immigration via machine and smiling into a camera. I can’t do this usually cause Marina and Ryu’s passports are the old kind sans the chip. I saw my bag as I was coming down the stairs to baggage claim. I mean seriously, prestigious class gets you ‘priority’ tags and that shit comes out the conveyor belt FIRST. There was NO trying to make  deranged ,over-tired children NOT STEP past the red line, jump on the belt, pat the drug dog, ask to see the security man’s badge etc etc.

And then – would you fuckin believe and without even having to advertise ample breast size, my bags didn’t even have to go through the security scan check thing – which on a post, on a blog, years ago I bitched and bitched about – cause the  big bloke manning you putting the luggage on the scanner belt thing wouldn’t help me – despite the fact I actually asked him. In English, Maori, Samoan and Fijian. Sorry Mam, he said. I don’t care that you have a baby trying to rip your glasses off, a toddler trying to get on the conveyor belt, and a three-year old who it appears has already run through the departure gate. Nah. Do it yourself. Osh kosh rules. We can’t lift anything over 20kg.

OK, fair game. Probably just OSH rules, not rules of kiddy clothing brand but still – think of them every time I think of that lovely experience. I had a great time swearing obscenities in Japanese. Bloody Fuckwits. FA-KIN-KAN-TO.

ANYHOO, I got shooed down lane five. Lane five has NOTHING. Nada. No dogs, no scanning machines, no overweight unhelpful scanning conveyor belt dudes, NADA.  You just waltz straight on out the departure gate – which in Auckland means your arrival is displayed on a HUGE screen to everyone waiting on the other side. Every last-minute nose pick, clothes fix, cheek fart – it’s all broadcast live to the other side. LOVE THAT.

And in my case the other side was my sister and three nieces, two balloons and a sign that said ‘Welcome Auntie Kate’.


Best welcome EVER.

Loved every second.

Let the journey begin…



10 Responses to “I’m Baaaaaaaaaack”

  1. littlebelgianwriter January 31, 2014 at 3:09 pm #

    It is great to have you back and to learn that you obviously had a great trip!

    • gaijinwife January 31, 2014 at 11:11 pm #

      Tis good to be back 🙂 Let the tales begin…

  2. Debra January 31, 2014 at 7:00 pm #

    Welcome Back!! First Class is incredible, hope you kicked off those Uggs and enjoyed the champagne. I bet the Prada suits were checking you out.

    • gaijinwife January 31, 2014 at 11:13 pm #

      On the first leg from Fukuoka to Seoul I actually pretended to be asleep and missed the entire three course lunch. Its only an hour flight but still, I was A LOT better at actually getting value for money from the prestige class on my way back 🙂 And the only checking out the old Prada suit wearing dudes were doing was definitely not at me!

  3. Oyomesan January 31, 2014 at 11:02 pm #

    Stand by for Uggs and yoga pants to be THE fashion statement next year. Cos of u!

    • gaijinwife January 31, 2014 at 11:14 pm #

      I feel sorry for the fashion mags if it does become the next fashion. Although I’m sure on a 14 year old model as opposed to a thirty something overweight, tired mother of three, anything looks just grand 🙂

  4. Anonymous January 31, 2014 at 11:55 pm #

    love banners at airports; never happened to me and prob never will but I LOVE watching that moment when families reunite : )

    • gaijinwife February 1, 2014 at 1:19 am #

      Its lovely. Usually I am the one with three mental kids just trying to get through with them all trying to sit on the cases, push the cart, stop dead in everyones way… Hopefully when my kids are more accustomed to behaving normally I can convince my nieces to make banners again so they can enjoy the experience of the proper welcome too 🙂

  5. Nicole Nagano February 1, 2014 at 8:58 am #

    glad to hear you had a great time, missed your posts

    • gaijinwife February 1, 2014 at 11:58 am #

      Thanks Nicole. Was fab trip. Along time to be away from everything though. Must take fine line approach between fabulous sans children trip and missed them to bits – but only after about day six 🙂

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