Fire Starter

9 Jan

Yesterday morning I work up to the sound of crumpling newspaper. Well, technically I woke up to Marina singing ‘We are the world’ to herself on the toilet at 5am. I ushered her back to bed because a) bed is the warmest place to be and b)it is pitch black and 5am is still like the middle of the night and usually only a time vestlings get out of bed to go and check the water levels in their rice paddies during a typhoon.

Shou and Marina then tried to sneak downstairs at 5:30. I think I’ve mentioned before that our house was built by an inbred retarded builder. This had the unintended effect of ninja proof floorboards – put down so badly that you can, under no circumstances, get from one end of anywhere upstairs to the other and/or down the stairs without making shit creak, a lot. I’m sure other parents can sympathize when I say ‘do you know what a bloody nightmare this was when the kids were babies? And, I would finally get them down in their bed only to have to crawl backwards, on two cushions, at a pace of 2cm an hour to get out of the room without the floorboards creaking and thus waking up aforementioned child who it seemed hadn’t actually slept for the past 72 hours straight!. ‘

I actually don’t mind it now as I feel ‘safe’ in the knowledge that an intruder would have an extremely hard time sneaking up our stairs to kill us all in our sleep. Or at least I would have time to jump over my snoring husband and grab the bee hive terminator spray first. I still have new born baby ears – you know, the kind that prick up when a baby cries three towns over – so I wake up at anything. Tis also why I either have to go to bed before hub or have wine to get to sleep. His snoring is a pain in the ass.

But I digress, In the end I just told Shou and Marina to go the fuck downstairs already. Then, about 15 minutes later I hear newspaper being crumpled, and immediately think, no, you’re not lighting the fire are you.

Having a fireplace was one of my three musts, along with a deck and some grass, when we built the house. We had a big guard around it for years, as you do when you have babies and toddlers and friends coming over with their babies and toddlers. Shou has definitely been more interested in the whole fire-starting thing but he knew, or I thought he knew, that he wasn’t allowed to do this.

I run downstairs and get there just as Shou is about to light the newspaper which he has crumpled up on top of a nice stack of sticks AFTER having already scooped out the red hot embers left over from the night before, into the steal bucket which he has right up next to a slowly melting plastic crate with wood in it.

My god son, way to give mum a heart attack. He seemed pretty chuffed with himself and even had a box of tissues at the ready in case he needed more…. awesome. We had a talk about fire safety and staying in bed where it was warm, until mum or dad got up to light the fire.

Right, time to get on with shit today. Must. Clean. English. Classroom.


staying the fuck in bed where it is nice and warm. School started back yesterday so I’ll probably be back later to tell ya’ll about that. Right, off to clean the English classroom out. SDGH&QL


One Response to “Fire Starter”

  1. mightyatom44 January 17, 2015 at 8:40 pm #

    IT WAS MY JOB GROWING UP WITH A FIREPLACE TO START THE DAY! (Sorry about the capitals.) It was cleaning out the ashes except for a few ‘clinkers’ left to help get the conflagration going. Then pages of newspaper scrunching and on top a layer of sticks already cut to size. Then clinkers and small coal chunks. After this I was promoted to growing the porridge for us all – a wee bit like the three bears. A great apprentice-ship for later life!!

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