Archive | March, 2015

Prick Update

13 Mar

In response to all the fan mail and people saying they couldn’t eat, sleep or work with worry over what happened about the drawing pins I have decided to post an update. Sorry to keep you all hanging :p

You do realize that about 10,000 people in Africa have died between the pin incident and now.

Go donate.

I have already.

I am also saving polar bears, near extinct NZ lizards and random dogs in Afghanistan.

NOT that, Oh my god, any of those should be put into the realm of human lives being lost. Fuck. Do you know how hard it is to try and just write what spill forth from the brain these days? Frickin near on impossible. I am glad I was born into a generation that still remembers what it was like to have a conversation and talk shit about ANYTHING and not have it either recorded livestream on youtube, tweeted or messaged on FB and then screen shotted by a ‘friend’ who then stabbed you in the hard drive by then posting it to another ‘non’ friend group. Faaaark.

So, Marina and her feet pricks.

The school followed through on their word and it would seem that each child probably had at least 12 minutes of prick instruction on bullying and that the next time police will be called. Haha. It is almost one extreme (from the school blaming the after-school care and vice versa) to the other (calling in armed forces over a fuckin drawing pin). Never the mind though as I’m sure (crosses fingers) the dickwad who put the pins in her bloody shoes in the first place was shitting their pants at the time.

In other completely irrelevant news I am currently bleeding my small internal organs out my fanny. I swear, and you have heard me all swear this before, that the older I get, the more internal organs I lose out my vagina. It can’t all be uterus lining and rejected eggs, it just can’t. Sometimes, like this morning, I actually have to physically resist the urge to tell hub to come into the toilet and show him exactly why I didn’t wake up on the right side of the bed. See that big clump of lining at the bottom of the bowl? That is me NEEDING some coffee, some support, and some fucking backing up the truck on the twat comments about taking too long in the toilet. I am quite happy to fling my fanny round the living room if it will make you more understanding. You. Cunt. Seriously, today was a tampon, AND pad, ten minute type of day.

I envy girls with light flows!! I have always had heavy flows and I guess the only thing I can hope for is that some of that flow now includes excess fat cells the uterus or small organs pick up along their way out the saloon doors!!

I do not apologize to my male readers. Hug your girlfriend or your wife, or if you are really brave, any random woman and say WOW, you are awesome!!!

Then buy them chocolate, coffee and wine. Do NOT ask for or expect sex on an ‘internal organ hemorrhage’ day. It isn’t just a ‘bit of blood’. Should we put a towel down love? NO. Love doesn’t want a fuckin towel down. She wants the towel stuffed between her legs so she doesn’t have to wash the bloody sheets in the morning.

When hub tried to get a leg over last night I said NAH, sorry love, bleeding out my fanny. And he said?

Thank god last night was business time then.







Little Prick

10 Mar

Today I went to pick the kids up from after-school care. Tuesdays are the busiest day for me with back to back English lessons finishing at 5:30. The kids’ soccer starts at 6pm. I have half an hour to go get them, feed them, make sure they get into the soccer gear, don’t forget their water bottles or shinguards and gloves or neck warmers or whatever other paraphernalia they just have to have when practice is on a freezing day with flutters of snow.

We usually get there about ten minutes late. But I digress, this post isn’t about soccer.

I went to pick them up and Marina immediately tells me that she found two needles in her ugh-boot type boots  today. I appear a bit shocked and say wow, I hope she was OK, that needles don’t fall from the sky into people’s shoes and that I will have a word to her teacher the following day. I say this in front of the after-school care woman who proceeds to say absolutely nothing and sees us on our way – reminding me that both kids need $1 and an apron for the cooking class tomorrow. (thank god I just wrote that as now have reminded self again) It doesn’t cross my mind that the situation might have occurred at after-school club. I just thought it must have happened during the day – what with the woman not saying anything.

I pile the kids in the car and we drive off. I ask Marina if her foot is OK and she said yes because she had socks on so it was only a couple of little pricks. We establish that the ‘needles’ were in fact drawing pins which she promptly gave to the after-school care woman who has just waved us off without a word. This is the woman who everyday for a frickin month would tell me how Shou told HTB to get out of the way and HTB was upset yaddah yaddah. Hmmmm. Get out of the way vs drawing pins in shoes…

Am a bit perplexed as to why she wouldn’t even mention it as really, like I said, drawing pins don’t end up in shoes by accident.

BUT, it is Tuesday so I also have dinner and soccer stuff going through my head and Marina herself is absolutely fine about the whole thing and didn’t seem upset, or even say, that somebody wanted her to hurt herself.

I nonchalantly ask Shou if he knows anything about it and he says no – in a way that makes me want to believe him but makes me think I should wait till we are in the bath and then ask him again in a different way. It isn’t that I don’t believe my son – OK, so actually that is exactly what it sounds like – but he is going through a lying phase.

Take last night for instance. I am tucking him into bed when I can sense something is out of sorts so I ask him if he happened to bring any of dad’s gum that was sitting on the bench to bed – he says no, I raise an eyebrow, and he produces three pieces from his sleeve like the magician he wishes he was but sadly isn’t. I pick a few things up off his floor and ‘nonchalantly’ (one of my favorite parenting weapons) say that falling asleep chewing gum could be super dangerous and could block an airway…. OK, so that is perhaps nonchalantly and kind of scary – BUT it produces the second to last piece of gum I knew was there. It takes him about forty minutes to get to sleep because he’s scared the piece of gum he swallowed when he heard me coming might somehow travel back up his esophagus and he might die.

Not to worry though because he did get to sleep and when I checked in on him his head was resting on about five pillows and in the morning he said it was because he wanted to keep his airway free of reverse traveling magic gum.

So, anyhoo, I drop the kids at soccer and come home to find hub home from work. I mention the pins in the shoes and he immediately rings the after-school care woman, who immediately says it could have happened during school hours (so officially not their fault), so hub immediately rings Marina’s teacher, who immediately asked exactly where the pins were in the shoe because if they were at the back then they were obviously put in their during after-school care (so officially not the school’s fault) – but if the pins were put in while Marina’s shoes were in her shoe locker during class hours they would have then dislodged and moved to the front of the shoe when she picked them up to take them to after-school care.

Our after-school care program is run from a big classroom beside Marina’s classroom. The kids wear indoor gym shoes inside and when they go to the after school care program they put their shoes on and walk around the side of the building to the entrance from the outside.

Marina went outside at this particular point in time wearing her sneakers – not her fury boots – which she held in her hands and took around.

Hub is visibly quite pissed that both parties are trying to place the blame on someone else. Bullying is taken very seriously at the moment and our school has a zero tolerance and when the father of one of their kids, who works in the education department at the city hall, rings up and wants to know what will be done tomorrow to address the problem, everyone starts getting antsy.

He tells Marina’s teacher that we aren’t interested in finding out exactly who did it but would like the school to tell the kids and inform them that silly bugger antics like that is officially ‘bullying’ and won’t be tolerated. I want to know because if it was the first graders I would be OK about it and know that it was silliness and not an intentional act to hurt her, but if it was an older kid I want fuckin blood you sorry ass cunt for doing that to my kid.

Just joking.

Kind of.

It will be interesting to see how this story plays out tomorrow. The after school care lady has kept the pins so perhaps hub can take his print dusting kit to school and CSI himself some answers :). We have ascertained that Marina went outside in said boots FROM after-school care and she was fine. She then went back inside, did her homework for half an hour and then went back outside in same aforementioned boots and it was at this time that the pins tried to lodge themselves into her foot via her smelly socks.

And the whole thing just left me gagging for wine and when I asked hub if he fancied me picking up something he said perhaps we could have just one drink to get over the trauma of some other kids doing mean shit to our kid. So I declined because really I should at LEAST be able to have a drink for each drawing pin and if that’s not allowed then flag it, I’ll wait till Friday night 🙂



5-year Old Check-up

4 Mar

Tomorrow Ryu has his 5-year old check up. He was meant to go in January but he had the flu. I was just going to flag it completely as neither Marina or Shou did this check – due to it only being introduced last year.

The city holds 3 checks and strongly recommends all 5 year olds – who will be starting school in April 2016, attend. And by strongly recommend I mean ring you repeatedly and then ring your husband kind of strongly recommend. Tomorrow’s check isn’t in our town and hub will be taking Ryu to the welfare center in the next town over.

From what I can gather it isn’t your normal kind of check. They do weigh the kids and check their height, and possibly the circumference of their head, but mainly it is to check social skills and how they interact with others. It is so that professionals can gauge whether or not a child might have some learning disabilities that need to be looked at before they start school, like ADHD or Autism, which may or may not be directly related to number of vaccinations had and/or how many super foods the child has in his breakfast, which may or may not include chia seeds and coconut oil.

Of course there is a part of me a bit worried that they will detect some kind of issue with Ryu – but I think a greater part of me is hoping hub remembers to ring me when they tell him our son is boarding on either giftedness, genius, cuteness, combination of all three… I’m not fussy.

The reason I can’t go is because we have kinder PTA all morning – which will include practicing how to cross a pretend zebra crossing, singing a traffic light song and then spending half an hour while nobody makes eye contact with the teacher – because that means you will instantly become PTA head for the following year. This followed by school PTA bollocks ALL afternoon. I would love for hub to go to the PTA instead but I am head of one of the divisions and have to get up in front of everyone and read something aloud. This will take me all of approximately 17 and half seconds but still, it must take preference over finding out if my youngest child is a genius or not.

Hub must take Ryu’s plunker book and questionnaire – that I filled out last night. In addition to asking the ages of all other people living under the same roof, it has questions like:

  • What kind of play does your child like?
  • Do they push friends over and yell a lot?
  • Do they mind being hugged?
  • Can they brush their own teeth?
  • Are they left or right handed?
  • Are they forgetful?
  • Are they particularly meticulous about anything?
  • Do you enjoy raising your children?

And then there is a section on can your child skip, swing by themselves, go poo by themselves, hop, do up their buttons, and last but not least, does your child understand how paper,scissors, rock works? People residing in Japan will know that not understanding paper, scissors, rock would almost set you back a few years socially because it is used, by everyone, to decide, anything.

  • Whose turn is it? 1,2,3 paper, scissors rock
  • Who is on washing up? 1,2,3 paper, scissors rock
  • Who shall I vote for? 1,2,3 ….
  • Who gets the promotion? 1,2,3….

Actually, probably not used to decide on who gets a promotion, as promotions based solely on how long person has been working at said job, and not given on merit or worth.

Anyhoo, I will be very interested to hear from hub how Ryu’s check goes tomorrow. Today the boy is at a kinder picnic – for which he requested the anime character スイカニャン、which in ALL seriousnessness is an orange cat with two tails masquerading as a watermelon.


Fuck, I know, right!!

Don’t you just love Japan.