Nee Naw Nee Naw

15 Sep

I am really only writing this post so that people on a long commute to work have something to read. Or maybe you want some gossip mag material with your morning coffee πŸ™‚

Prelude: we now have a dog, called MAX. We have had him for a week and I will, in the near future (possibly tomorrow), dedicate a post to how we got him and his first week here. What you need to know for this post however is that on Sunday Marina and Granny K took him for a walk, during which the dog up the road bit him. Hub, Shou and I got back from soccer to a limping dog.


After a very long day on Sunday, that involved driving three hours, EACH WAY, to watch Shou play soccer (he had been there since the day before and the team and a few parents stayed in a nearby ryokan), we got home to our limping, whimpering dog and a story of walks and bites.

We got the kids into bed and sat down for a couple of post-long bitch-of-a-soccer-day-the-dog-is-injured beers. Hub, who had done all the driving, hauled himself to bed and I stayed up and had another drink and watched an episode of Masterchef. By no realm of any stretch of the imagination, or in any parallel universe, was I drunk – but the fact I had the drinks probably can’t be left out of the story. I probably wouldn’t have tried to take that particular exit out of the house had I been of 100% sound mind.

On Wednesday I put together the kit-set dog house we ordered and from what I could gather MAX hadn’t been in it. I wanted to see if our injured dog was asleep in his new house – but I didn’t want to wake him, or the rest of the house up doing so. The front door has loud locks, and the kitchen door opens straight out to where he is and I didn’t want barking and shite at 10pm at night.

Sooooo, I bravely chose to go where no man has gone before. Out the door in the room where I was watching my program. Two sliding doors exactly like the ones that go out onto our deck – only there is no deck, just a dumb Japanese construction dick fuck 30cm step down onto the compulsory 60cm wide strip of concrete that has to run around the entire house – or so it seems in our neck of the woods. If this had a purpose – like a moat with sharks for keeping out robbers – I’d think it was OK. But no no no no, the concrete slab, which has another step down straight onto our driveway – or rather wood pile and hose slash bike storage area – is just ready to fuck up anybody that tries to step out the stupid side door in the complete dark.

So I misjudge the height of the step down. Blame it on the drinks, blame it on the dark, blame it on my aging body for not having the same balancing skills I once had.

I can almost see this bit in slow motion. I go to step and at the precise moment I realize the step isn’t where it is supposed to be I think ‘oh fuck, this is not going to end well.’

And it didn’t.

I completely face planted the concrete slab, after which I don’t remember anything other than whimpering a bit and trying to call out hub’s name. Fortunately hub was on the toilet upstairs and heard a faint ghostly whimper coming from outside. He comes downstairs, sees the outline of my withering body in the dark, turns on the lights, wakes up Granny K, assesses the amount of blood and promptly calls the fuckin ambulance.

We somehow manage to get me back up the aforementioned bastard step who will remain nameless, cleaned up a bit with some towels and onto a waiting futon. I start to stress out as am just in nightie with no knickers on. I command that someone get me some undies. I try my best to pull them up myself, out of pure dignity, but said dignity flies out window as spanx Bridget Jones undies are too hard in state I am in. Granny K gets the delightful job of pulling them up for me.

The ambulance arrives. The entire population heard it and imagine a few heads were hanging out windows. I try to insist that I can walk – after all, I don’t tend to try and walk on my face. My feet are in excellent working order, bar a couple of scratches. Β But, the two young dapper ambulance men insist I have to clamber up onto a stretcher or they wouldn’t be doing their job. They tried to lift me, bless them. I think I was gurgling ‘I’m fine I’m fine, if you want to touch me can you wait till I’m not covered in blood please’.

I then plead with them to turn off the fuckin siren. I’m not dying. In fact, I’ll probably even survive if they stick to the speed limit. In fact perhaps they’d like a drink and to stay the night and we could just go in the morning?

But that wouldn’t be any fun now would it. Sunday night in sleepy little Kunimi and they have a bloody gaijin in her nightie and spanx on a stretcher. Time to let this town know about it.

Nee naw nee naw nee naw fuckin nee naw

For 45 minutes. Thats how long it takes to get to our closest hospital that stays open past 5pm. I must admit that lying face up in the back of an ambulance though and it seemed like bloody hours.

I was in tears of embarrassment, blithering on about how I was fine and hub could just take me in the car and weren’t they nice boys and all but really there must be other people in need of more saving. I then felt the need to recount my first and only other ambulance experience – when I rode along with dad when he was getting transferred to the care facility.

Obviously feeling the need to make chit chat back one of the young lads told me how he lived down the road and thinks I might have taught him English at some stage about 18 years ago.

Praise the lord, like this piece of information didn’t make matters ten times worse. Jeeze.

The first thing they did when I was loaded into the ambulance was take my temperature, then blood pressure and is it oxygen levels? I don’t know, I was trying to make my boobs not wobble in his face but ya know, nightie, no bra, top button open. It was all just quite comical really – in that I’ve-just-fought-a-concrete -slab-and-lost-but-I’m-sure-I’ll-see-the-funny-side-in-a-couple-of-days kind of comical.

We get to A&E and I get wheeled in to be met by a doctor and a nurse with an attitude. She didn’t seem very sympathetic at all.

So you were drunk and fell did you? Mmmmmm, your legs seem fine – just run over there and jump up on the table will ya.

I tried to say I wasn’t drunk, I just misjudged the height of a step from a door I shouldn’t have tried to go out in pitch darkness, but she wouldn’t have a bar of it, so I gave up, and now have ‘drunk and fell’ on my hospital records.

I found out later Granny K told the ambulance men I was drunk and fell out of a ‘window’. Β She told the same thing to Marina the next morning – who immediately thinks I must have fallen from the second story. Hub and I had a discussion on what a window was.

The doctor assesses my war wounds, takes a few photos, and then cleans me up a bit, before injecting a local anesthetic into the side of my face and producing a fuckin fish hook. I swear thats what it was, or perhaps when the needle is just that bloody close to your face thats what it looks like.

They had to stitch up a gash between my nose and upper lip. I got asked if it hurt. I said it was worse than childbirth – at which point the grumpy nurse laughed.

Glad to be of entertainment value.

At no time did I question anything the doctor was doing. I regret this. He had free reign on fixing up my face. While I haven’t seen the aftermath of the stitches yet myself, I imagine my doctor at the birthing clinic would have done a better job. He stitched me up so tight after Shou it was a fuckin miracle I got pregnant with Marina.

He finishes and then decides to put a few stitches in my lip. They were setting up to take a CT but I declared myself fine so they let me back out to see hub in the waiting area – he had driven behind the ambulance. We paid $50 as a ‘deposit’ as I didn’t have my hospital card or my insurance cared in my wallet at the time. We left with instructions to come back the next morning for a check.

We got home about 2am and both of us proceeded to get hardly any sleep. I was, and am, on painkillers and antibiotics and was just dozing off when it was time to get up. Hub said he would take the morning off and that I should stay in bed a little longer. I remember telling him to hurry outside and hose the blood off the concrete or the kids would freak out.

I had to be at the hospital at 8:30 so got dressed, put a mask on (Japanese flu mask, not in style of tiger, Elsa or wrestler), and hopped in the car to drop the kids at the walking bus meeting point, and Ryu to kinder. The good thing about Japan is that you can get away with wearing a flu mask 365 days of the year. You might have a cold. You might have hay fever, you might be wearing it because every bastard around you has the flu. Or you might be wearing it cause you decided to play chicken with a concrete slab. I mean, nobody knows!

And by miracle of miracles my expansive forehead missed out on the party entirely and with the mask and my glasses on all injuries were concealed!

At the hospital I get another check, they sterilize the wound and put a special miracle-heal bandaid on. I get some more antibiotics and told to come back on Friday.

At the ‘accounting’ counter I get the $50 back from the previous night and then given a bill for $62 – for the entire lot. The ambulance call out, the stitches, the drugs, the check.

I couldn’t eat anything yesterday and had to stick to drink yoghurt things and water. My lips resembled those of people who completely failed at doing the Kardashian duck lip challenge. I kind of had to dribble a lot and feel sorry for myself.

They had gone down a bit today and I did manage a piece of vegemite on toast cut into 25 pieces to suck on over a half hour period.

Having the mask on is hard because every time I breathe my glasses fog up, so I took it off in front of the kids tonight. They got a bit of a fright but were generally very good about it and very sympathetic. Marina kept looking at me and saying it didn’t look like me. Hopefully in about a week the scratches on my chin and nose will have disappeared and my lips decreased to normal size. At the moment they kind of feel hot and like I’ve ripped a big bit of skin off.

I really really want to brush my teeth but will have to settle with listerine mouthwash for the next couple of days – stings like a bitch.

I also really really want to have a cup of hot coffee but think this might result in a possible bit of howling and maybe a burnt boob.

I also really want to laugh, not particularly at the situation, but maybe at something funny like an episode of ‘Live at the Apollo’ – but I’m scared it will rip my stitches.

One old vestling from down the way rang up this evening. Fortunately Granny K was on speaker phone and we could monitor what she said when asked ‘soooooo, the other night I saw an ambulance stop at your place……’

Hub said it might cause DV rumors. I said he’d have a few fuckin scratches himself if he thought he could fuck me up this good. But, I agree, the ‘Oh, I tripped and hit my face’ line is pretty old.

Anyhoo, will save you the gory pictures.

I may or not go to the local clinic tomorrow to get the dressing sterilized. I’m too scared to take the dressing off myself as don’t want to see how much my face might be scared because the doctor on duty was an ear specialist with a fish hook. Not that I’m a vain person but ya know, its like my fuckin face an all.






29 Responses to “Nee Naw Nee Naw”

  1. Merry September 15, 2015 at 5:04 pm #

    Oh, poor you! My lips hurt just thinking about it.

    PS: I have hurt myself before and had the hospital ask me if my husband beats me. It’s real fun having people think that… I told them he’d be in there with me if that was the case. πŸ™‚

    • gaijinwife September 15, 2015 at 11:34 pm #

      Thanks Merry. I reckon if this happened in NZ I might get a question about it too. I mean is munched up face with a split lip ya know! Now I guess hospitals could ask so was it your husband or a slab of concrete.

  2. Debra September 15, 2015 at 5:06 pm #

    Oh no!! This would be a very funny story if it didn’t end with you covering up a face of stitches in a flu mask. Sounds like you made the ambulance boys’ month though, there’s that to console you. Speedy healing !

    • gaijinwife September 15, 2015 at 11:35 pm #

      Thanks Debra. As long as someone gets a laugh πŸ™‚ I think my lip has gone down even more today and my nose is starting to itch like a bitch so I guess that’s good news too πŸ™‚

  3. colorbynumbers September 15, 2015 at 8:47 pm #

    ouch ouch ouch ouch! speedy recovery Katie x

  4. Heather from San Diego September 15, 2015 at 9:22 pm #

    Oh, no Katy! Reading your blog is my most favorite thing to do over my morning cup of coffee, but not this! So sorry to hear you had to go through this! I have had to have stitches done by a doctor I wasn’t sure about as well. Not a great feeling, I know…Hope you are able to get some rest and heal quickly! When your wounds are fully healed maybe check out these silicon patch type things that are supposed to help with the scarring. I am able to find them here in the US pretty readily and they are called ScarAway. They aren’t too ridiculous looking but you can also get results by wearing them over night…So sorry to hear about your terrible night 😦 Feel better soon! xxx

    • gaijinwife September 15, 2015 at 11:37 pm #

      Thank you Heather. I have cancelled all my English classes this week – mainly cause speaking isn’t the easiest thing to do and singing and being extra bouncy and bubbly for my five year old classes – kind of impossible. I will be on the look out for ScarAway or similar. I think what I have on now might be similar – a bandaid that fills up with fluid and leaves the cut healing under that – if that makes sense! xx

  5. Mr sekimachihato September 15, 2015 at 11:38 pm #

    This version is much better than the FB one although I feel a tad guilty getting getting such enjoyment out of reading this on my commute to work. Seriously though, a bit Odaiji to you!!
    Hope you heal up well.

    • gaijinwife September 15, 2015 at 11:52 pm #

      haha, your welcome. A friend said she couldn’t wait to read the whole story so hey, gotta make a record of these things aye! Have a good Wednesday.

  6. bri65 September 16, 2015 at 1:12 am #

    Oh, poor you, that sounds awful. In fact I know it’s awful because pretty much the same thing happened to me a few years ago. Coconut oil does wonders for scraped lips as they scab over. Anyway, console yourself with the low cost of your misfortune — $12 total cost will make lots of people in the U.S. weep with despair. Well, also console yourself with the thought that you are a really engaging writer and even after all of this you were able to put together quite the story and now you have tons of people sending you good wishes. Including me. Bri

    • gaijinwife September 16, 2015 at 1:39 am #

      Always after a bit of sympathy and well wishes πŸ™‚ Coconut oil – thanks for that. I think the supermarket in the next town over sells it for a small fortune. Probably worth it though. Would it work on the non-lip scar as well do you think?

      • bri65 September 16, 2015 at 3:36 am #

        Absolutely. Try to get the pure coconut oil, though. You can get it in the oils section of your regular grocery store here. It might be refrigerated. Anyway, yes, coconut oil is really good for your skin in general. And it keeps your skin from drying up and cracking around the wound. Here’s a (fun) link to an article written by another wonderful writer, Dr. Jen Gunter, endorsing using coconut oil for your skin but also for, ahem — international relations — :

  7. Miyagi Mermaid September 16, 2015 at 1:50 am #

    I hope you feel better soon and that your face heals back to normal!

    • gaijinwife September 16, 2015 at 2:29 am #

      Thank you MM. Me too. I can’t imagine not having at least a little scare from the stitches but hopefully I can minimize it as much as possible!

  8. Lauren September 16, 2015 at 7:18 am #

    Can you get Bio Oil over there? It is great for new scars. Cheap as well. I hope you can get some coffee and solid food in you soon.

    • gaijinwife September 16, 2015 at 7:22 am #

      Thanks Lauren. I’m sure there is a Japanese version of Bio Oil. I remember my sister using it for a scar in NZ. Solid food is happening – albeit cut up very small and quite a lot of stuff stings my lips so need to be careful. Wont be doing vegemite again for a couple of days!! Hot coffee still a no go but slurpy cold coffees OK πŸ™‚

  9. moshoricototo September 16, 2015 at 8:53 pm #

    Oh no! That’s terrible. I hope you feel better soon and work the scar dissolving magic.

    Also, check your local conbini or amazon jp. They have the masks that don’t fog up glasses! η™½ε…ƒ ァニーク 快適ガードプロプγƒͺーツタむプ

    • gaijinwife September 17, 2015 at 12:27 pm #

      Thank you πŸ™‚ I found some at the supermarket today and boy what a difference!

  10. Persnickety September 17, 2015 at 11:04 am #

    Fellow lip buster (from soccer- 48 stitches) here. If you can get hold of a straw, and the coffee is not at boiling it is possible to drink. What did me in was the antibiotics that made wine a no go drink for three weeks.

    • gaijinwife September 17, 2015 at 12:30 pm #

      48!! Bloody hell. That’s impressive. The first 48 hours when I couldn’t even suck a straw properly I ended having to half suck (cold) coffee in and then kind of double taste it before swelling. Not pleasant :p Tried a luke warm coffee today. Busted lip is a bitch. Just when you think its on the mend a bit of fuckin skin rips off and you’re back to square one!

  11. Lisa Case September 18, 2015 at 3:15 pm #

    Ouch! So sorry to hear this. Take it slow and easy for a bit and get well! I did the face plant thing on ice a few years ago. Broken nose, cut over the eye brow, two black eyes and a dislocated shoulder. Wait till the bruises start changing colors…
    Had a hard time convincing folks that hubby hadn’t beaten me…lol

    • gaijinwife September 20, 2015 at 8:09 am #

      Thanks Lisa. Wow, you got yourself good!! Or rather the ice go you good! very very fortunately I have no bruises. How I only managed to get my nose, lip and chin I don’t know!

  12. Jennifer September 19, 2015 at 3:57 pm #


    Granny K is over due for another English lesson. The first one should consist of “what happens at the house, stays at the house”. Also, someone needs to apply some retribution to whatever dog is allowed to hurt a puppy (also under Granny K’s watch … Just saying). I’m sure you will be back to your beautiful self in no time. Love your blog. More please!!!

    • gaijinwife September 20, 2015 at 8:08 am #

      Thanks Jen.
      To be fair our dog is a dog we rescued from a shelter so he isn’t a puppy – and both dogs are adult males. That walk course has since been banned – as it has been since we got the dog but Marina chooses to ignore shit when I’m not here! I definitely agree that Granny K needs to learn the ‘what happens at the house, stays at the house’ thing though. So hard here when they have grown up gossiping about every which thing!! Will try and post more regularly πŸ™‚

  13. Tracy Robinson September 21, 2015 at 11:25 am #

    3 hours to soccer!!! No flippin wonder you had a wine. I know you must be in pain and I did feel guilty that I sniggered through the whole description of your accident/hospital visit but you really do write so well I almost felt I was there :-). Hope you are not in too much pain.

    • gaijinwife September 22, 2015 at 3:47 am #

      Am feeling super now thanks, although still getting questions and the eldest son was called to our house (another post) so I got a bit shitty about all that!. Feels like Sunday again but is in fact Tuesday – public holiday 2 of 3 as part of bloody Silver Week….

  14. Adam W October 21, 2015 at 3:24 am #

    I hope you’re doing okay now! I still pop by and read. Your writing never gets old.
    It’s honestly shocking how little that cost you. Here in California, and I imagine other parts of the U.S., and ambulance ride can cost upwards of $3,000.

  15. Grace November 12, 2015 at 4:48 pm #

    Sorry for the late comment, but I am just catching up on the comments…. Another good remedy for scarring or rather healing scar tissues is Vitamin E oil. If you can get the oil filled capsules, just prick a hole with a needle/pin and use the oil. Worked great for me on a horrible burn scar a few years ago, but you can only do it once the scab has gone and the skin is healed over. Whixh should be fine by now!

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