Autumn Guests

5 Nov

It IS officially Autumn. As in I think we’ve even had Autumn equinox day and everything. Everything being I also think I spied a gal in boots the other day. Not here of course. Boots in our town means gumboots and rice planting, or harvesting, or burning off the rice fields or similar.

The mornings and evenings are cold and the afternoons can be as hot as the middle of summer. It’s deceiving. It’s easy to get manflu – as evident by the recent two week long flu had by a not-to-be-named man in this house. Fuckin wuss. Seriously. Get over that shit already.

The fluffy blankets are out on the beds and on the odd morning I think we should just light the first fire of the year already – but then I remind myself that that warm snuggly fire feeling in the morning is a slippery slope. After that first fire it’s hard to go back. And really, we’re out of the house by 7:15 every morning so what’s the point! Will try and hold off on the fire for a good few more weeks yet. If we can get to December we’re doing good (pats self on back in advance).

So Autumn is here. Summer has GONE. Or so you would be led to believe, until you get three mukade and a hand-sized spider in the space of 36 hours… and it’s totally unexpected because you had to wear three layers when you left the house that morning and these creatures should be hibernating or whatever beasts do in winter.

The first one hub found doing a slow-paced stroll down the hallway. Very sluggish because obviously he’s been tricked into thinking it’s winter already, and then you get one hot day (like yesterday) when it must have been like 28 degrees for twenty minutes in the heat of the day, and all of a sudden the oversized mushi brigade think it’s bloody summer and have to come out and play. Hub called for the ‘hasami’ which is also scissors in Japanese, but also means our long BBQ tongs – a pair we have specifically for capturing mukade and disposing of them in the RIVER – well that’s our usual location. Hub, while holding the offending poisonous insect up to my face, asked if the toilet was OK.

Hell no, if that sucker goes in the toilet then even I’ll think it’s going to rise up from the dead and come bite my ass. The river, quick smart my man, possibly after you’ve stabbed it a few times with a gardening tool, squashed it and then set it on fire.

Ten minutes later hub is in the bath with a child. As they are getting out, said child screams ‘mukade’. Hub lets out a grunt slash squeal and then opens the bathroom door butt naked and asks for the ‘hasami’ again – during which time the mukade has quite literally bolted (obviously sucked all the energy out of the last one we saw) out the door and is off, possibly running away from naked husband. I see it, briefly, tis quite large. We move a set of drawers, convinced it must have gone behind them, but to no avail.

Five minutes later Granny K finds one outside her door – not as big as ‘the one that got away’ but at least it’s captured and been fed to the trickling stream 20m away from our house.

I go to bed telling myself mukade cannot climb stairs. They can’t. Can they? Have you EVER seen a mukade casually ascending a flight of stairs?

No, neither have I.

This aside I have a dream about a 30cm mukade (like three times their normal size), with some smashing of the mukade with some form of instrument, with interludes of me dancing with a stranger, followed by all three children as babies and with varying insects crawling near their beds, followed by some wine and more dancing with aforementioned stranger.

While I did wake up wanting to find this alluring dancing stranger I was very thankful the 30cm mukade was just a dream.

And then today, fuckin today, I was bringing Max back from our evening walk when in front of us crawls, and I swear this is like almost so true it hurts, a really really long mukade, possibly 30cm – ok, so perhaps only 17cm but still, quite obviously the mother of all the mukade that have ever been living in our house.

The only tool I have on me is the flashlight – because despite it being only 6pm it is dark – because it is AUTUMN. And so, as you would expect, I do NOT let the creature crawl off into the night only to later sneak into out house and into the mouth of a sleeping babe. No, no, I smash that sucker with the flashlight, feed the dog and calmly walk inside.

If I see any more this year I will stockpile them and burn them in some kind of offering to the gods.



7 Responses to “Autumn Guests”

  1. Tracy Robinson November 10, 2015 at 12:10 am #

    Come back to New Zealand – we don’t have bugs that can KILL you!!!!

    • gaijinwife November 10, 2015 at 12:12 pm #

      This is true, and an idea I contemplate quite frequently – well, in direct relation to whether hub is being a fucktard or not :p

  2. Elly November 12, 2015 at 1:19 am #

    Hate hate hate the fuckers. For some horrible reason most of the ones that appear in our flat ARE around 30cm 😦 I dunno if they escaped from some genetics lab or whatever because we don’t even live in the inaka FFS (very tame suburban Kansai).
    Most memorable incident this year was when a 25cm-ish bastard darted towards my then 6-week-old son’s head as I was changing his nappy. Got within 10cm of him, gaaaarrgghh

    My husband has some “all-life-is-sacred-unless-you-can-make-sausages-out-it” thing going on so opts to lob them over the balcony into our neighbour’s bamboo forest but I prefer to pour boiling water on ’em and see them shrivel up and cease to be. Heat kills them as long as its about 60c I think…

    So yeah: in conclusion chuck those twatty twats in the fire before they eat our children’s faces

  3. Grace November 12, 2015 at 4:35 pm #

    I had to google what a mukade was – yeuchh!

  4. xanaxjunkee November 17, 2015 at 7:41 pm #

    Geez! Is there a safe repellent you can use? Safe around the kids and dogs but deadly to mukade? We get spiders from time to time; black widow and brown recluse being the worst but I don’t see them all too often unless I am in an old dusty shed.

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