Update on Vestlings and Puncture Wounds

29 Apr

Apologies for not updating sooner and leaving ya’ll on the edge of your chairs wondering how poor Granny K is.

She is fine.

We got the hospital to do all the tests they could – bloods, urine, CTs, MRI, yaddah yaddah – all of which revealed nothing more than the general wear and tear of a vestling her age (79). She was placed in a private room because she was still within the influenza infectious time-frame. I went and picked her up on Monday and found out that the highlight of her stay was when the prized eldest son and his wife visited. My sister in law did bring bread (I told her the first time I met her I liked bread and she has, consistently for the past 12 years, brought us bread on every visit) and passed it on to hub, who just happened to be visiting and restocking Granny K’s underwear at the same time. Unfortunately some of the aforementioned bread had funny shit in it like sweet potatoes and mountain root vegetables, possible some kombucha and lentils, so MAX got it – and then proceeded to ignore it for most of the day in the heat of the sun and finally decided to eat it after it had turned into fuckin croutons.

Note to self – finally inform sister in law that I only want the cheesy bread with all the cheesy goodness in it.

Ah, and talking about the prized eldest son – When I went to pick Granny K up I had to sign her out at the nurse station, go and pay, bring the receipt back and then transport the package down to the waiting vehicle. Just call me the vestling transporter. There was a space for ‘relationship to patient’ on the paperwork and the nurse asked if I was her daughter – maybe she felt she had to for the sake of political correctness. I mean Granny K ‘could’ have adopted me I guess, but this is so far fetched of an idea in our part of the woods I actually laughed when she said it. In NZ you might call your daughter in law your daughter but here she is definitely and always a ‘yome’ – son’s wife.

So I said I was the ‘yome’ and she asked if I was the ‘yome’ of the eldest son and I said no, so she asked second eldest son, to which I again said no and said third eldest son. She just went ‘oh’ – and proceeded to tell me how to write the kanji character for ‘yome’ because it would appear I was having a full-on brain fart at the time. I mean how could I forget the the Chinese character for yome 嫁 comprised of the character for  woman 女 and house 家.

Tis lucky nobody is making up these characters now or it would be something like ‘woman-house-kids-job-wine-wine-wine-‘…. ….

So I get Granny K home and settled into her recently cleaned room. Last time she was in the hospital, getting some kind of butt hole surgery – I’m not even kidding, I totally cleaned her kitchen, which was a horrific mess of dried Chinese cabbage stuck to the floor, a thousand plastic bags and so much shit everywhere that I reckon if you were doing a ‘spot the fire hazards’ photo you’d just have to like get a red crayon and scribble over the entire page. Granny K came home from that visit and completely nutted out that I had moved everything and that I wasn’t to touch anything ever again until she died – which at the time I replied to with a mature ‘fuckin fine you old ungrateful bitch’ – or similar. My wine soaked mind evades me.

SO this time I decided to err on the side of caution and just leave her room completely untouched. But then I went in on the morning I was going to pick her up and realized the water bottle she asked for when she was gasping for air was as is, the home blood pressure testing thingy ma jig was as is, the apron and three vests the paramedics removed were as is, and the ten bags hub had searched through for her insurance card were… as is.  So I cleaned up, wiped down and vacuumed the space of the floor I could get to without moving piles of ten year old newspapers and boxes of various sizes.

In the car on the way home I warned her that I had cleaned up, and you could see her visibly intake air. So I reassured her I just put a few pairs of pants and a bag or twelve away and vacuumed the floor.

We get home and within about 15 minutes her visible floor space has withered back to the 30cm it was before. BUT, I have my babysitter back and at least I still don’t have to change her diapers.

After all this I go and pick Ryu up from school to take him for his final puncture wound check before removing the stitches on Wednesday – as the plan goes. The wound is healing fabulously so the doctor decides to remove the stitch then and there and huuuuu fuckin ra enough of hospitals already.

UNTIL PTA yesterday and Shou has a temperature so I take him home and realize it is up to 39 which kind of warrants a trip to the docs for some good temperature reduction drugs before the 3-day weekend. He was also complaining of a sore neck which always just screams ‘my kid’s got meningitis’ ever since my dad told me off once for faking a cold with a sore neck – and that having a sore neck could be the sign of this really serious, deadly (I was probably about 8 so everything was dramatic) illness called meningitis.

Anyhoo, I go to the same doctor I went to with Ryu for the dog bite and the reception nurse immediately says – oh no, is the dog bite still troubling him – to which I respond, oh no, this is a different child, they just look the same…

The doctor says his glands are swollen and that he would like to take blood tests, to which Shou is very very very strongly-willed-nine-year-old against. I can’t see me and the nurse being able to console and hold down Shou like we did with Ryu so the doctor suggests a test for influenza. I inform the doctor that the entire family just got through influenza B a couple of weeks back and even though Shou’s test came back negative I think it was because we did it too early and he got a temp straight after and all the other symptoms were identical. But fuck, doctors like to stick cotton buds up noses and Shou decided he would rather that than a blood test injection  (I personally would prefer the injection to the bud up the nose but hey).

Test came back negative so we came home with antibiotics for an infected throat and temp meddy. I also managed to miss three quarters of the PTA shit and hub had to go to all three year-level discussion meeting things. He said it was horrible. I said, welcome to my world.

Shou was looking better by dinner time so I decided to leave him in the capable hands of his father and go to the pre-booked PTA dinner-and-get-drunk-and-sing-stupid-English-songs at Kareoke thing. It was completely boring until the beer and shochu kicked in. Our school has this super fun thing of making everybody pick a number for where they will be seated – which means, even though it is a small school and I do actually know who everybody is, you could get seated between three other mums that don’t drink, and like the school nurse. I had a great conversation with one mum and I swear that over the noise and the pissed dude beside me trying to get me to squill sake out of steamed egg pudding lids I understood about 40 percent of what she was saying. Luckily I’m skilled in the art of faking interest, good gestures and appropriately timed “eeeeeeeh” and “haha, so da ne”s.


Right, time to bathe these children and see to some wine.

Hopefully I am quicker on the updates next time.








3 Responses to “Update on Vestlings and Puncture Wounds”

  1. Ann May 2, 2016 at 6:31 am #

    Glad that granny k is ok. I don’t know what is the deal with vestlings these days… I always thought that vestlings are neat and like clean house like my granny did, but these new generation of vestlings are realy surprising me in that area. My mil’s house is like bomb exploded there, stuff are on the floor, main table is packed with old newspapers, old boxes, unpacked groceries etc. She even uses her piano as place to leave all kind of unused things on it.

  2. bri65 May 9, 2016 at 2:02 am #

    “I mean how could I forget the the Chinese character for yome 嫁 comprised of the character for woman 女 and house 家.”
    –This is perfect. It was my laugh of the day.

    • gaijinwife May 9, 2016 at 8:49 am #

      Had to write it again today, and didn’t have a brain fart – huuurah.

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