Archive | May, 2016

This, that and Idiot Shit

31 May

So Granny K has been in the hospital in the city since last Monday. On Wednesday she had an operation on her knee and is currently undergoing rehabilitation. In NZ they would have made her go home after about three days but here in Japan she gets the full services of doctors, nutritionists, nurses and rehabilitation staff – the young man of which is extremely hot, according to Granny K – although I can verify, that after she awkwardly pointed out the fact in front of both of us, he is indeed probably a nice addition to her boring hospital days 🙂

I went to see her four times last week – bloody four. Not because I had to but because well damn, the woman is in hospital and that sucks and well surely someone has to go when they can. Eldest son found out I was going nearly every second day and has manned up and now pops in most evenings after work – I say pop because it is a half an hour trip for him as opposed to the two-hour drive I have each way. Hub went on the day of the operation but decided he was too hungover on Sunday to go….. so told her he was on soccer duty, which was a fuckin lie because I was on duty and they definitely don’t need both parents on the same pissy duty! Was bloody horrible though as was pissing down and thus had to ferry wet, dirty children back in car and make them get straight into bath at 1pm.

English teaching in my new office is going well and while it does involve A LOT more two-ing and fro-ing between home, the office, school, the office, supermarket, the office … ….. I think it was definitely the right choice. I have two high school students starting this week on a Thursday night which will be fun, as well as another girl in my 8-year-old class – which means I  am pretty much choker block full with my 8 kid maximum per class. Tuesdays and Fridays are nice days as only one class to teach. Thursdays are bat shit crazy, like I’ve said before, but hey, it’s a Thursday so it’s doable. If the bat shit crazy day was on a Tuesday I’d be less inclined to want to live each week.

This post is all over the place, sorry. Just trying to catch up on general ‘stuff’.

I went to pick the kids up from school yesterday and they got in the car and said they got a cookie from the 6th graders from their school trip to Space World and Nagasaki. Not just any cookie though. Apparently three of the 4 sixth graders (the other kid had gone home) got out markers and wrote something on the back of each cookie before handing them out. They were in individual packets so it wasn’t on the actual cookie.

Ryu’s said ‘baka’ (equiviaent of dickhead or idiot)

Shou’s had ‘dou M’ (the dou means ‘very’ and the ‘M’ stands for masochistic from S&M)

Marina’s had nothing but other gems included ‘H’ (perverted), ‘omae baka’ (you’re a dick) etc etc, you get the picture.

Shou asked me what his meant! I mean for Fuck’s Fuckin Fuck’s Sake I should not have to be even contemplating trying to explain S&M to a bloody 9-year-old.

I am pretty sure the kids that wrote them don’t know either but damn.

So, I emailed the After School Care lady as we have been told on numerous occasions that what happens at after school care is not the school’s responsibility. After School Care is a separate organization. I asked her if it was true and got back two very long apologetic emails saying yes, it was, and the kids were just joking around and that she told the other kids not to take it to heart yaddah yaddah, but perhaps it was a bit OTT for school.

Um, ya reckon. Ryu was really upset and while he is a bit precious on occasion he isn’t a complete snowflake. Another first grade girl had ‘baka kuso’ (idiot shit) on hers and looked really confused when she got given it. Shou said he didn’t want his, to which a 6th grader said he’d have to pay him back for it then. Fuckin little shit. Shou and Marina both say they saw the ring leader boss fifth grade girl whispering to the 6th graders as they were writing so I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if she orchestrated the entire thing.

So, because we like to keep After School Care stuff at after school care, hub rang the school this morning and spoke to the VP who was going to talk to the 6th grade home room teacher.

LOL, suck on that you Idiot Shits.

Right, off to see if I can make hardboiled egg Storm Troopers and Chewbacca out of yakisoba noodles for the kid’s dinner.




Run Away from Reality

16 May

There is a song by X Japan, probably one of the most famous bands of all time in Japan, called ‘Say Anything’ – and part of the lyrics are ‘run away from reality ….’ and I have been singing them all afternoon. As I drive along the coast and get further and further away from home.

Not too far mind you.

Only an hour and a half.

Still, I have run away for the night and am currently safely in a nice hotel room with no washing, no cleaning, no cooking, no homework, no teaching, no obligatory blow jobs because I forgot to get my husband a present for his birthday yesterday …. the list goes on.

I do genuinely feel bad about the no birthday-sex thought, especially as hub cooked us all dinner and played baseball catch with the kids for an hour while I sat inside and drank wine and watched an episode of Masterchef…

I do not however, feel bad about missing a day of slave work for my unappreciative, ungrateful (insert expletive of choice) children. I’m sorry that hub has to step up – as in I wish my not being there meant the kids actually did more but they wont because hub, despite having the arguing skills of a 9 year old (him and Shou are on par) will cook dinner, wash up, bath the brood, sort out their homework and get them to bed.

My running away hasn’t gone unnoticed though and this morning, as I tried to creep downstairs at 5:30 after a restless night with mixed emotions of ‘wahoooooo fuckers, mummy’s pissing off for a whole night’ and ‘damn, perhaps I shouldn’t have booked that hotel room’, I heard Marina whisper to Ryu

‘Hey Ryu, mum’s up. We need to get downstairs and fold the washing or something or she’ll go’.

Did I feel bad?

I did, for a second. And then I thought fuck it, you’re both old enough to fold a towel or two – I mean for fucks sake, when I was that age I was walking through 10m of snow in full force gales and cow poo to get to school. I had to sweep the yard for an hour to get enough money to buy a 10 cent mix, consisting of five lollies.

These days I have to bribe my children with video games to get them to play soccer. Of course I do realise that most behavior traits are a direct result of my shite parenting but still. Even shite parents need a break.

I had a complete mummy meltdown yesterday which was, at a guess, probably in part due to the fact that the kids had two days of soccer and were knackered, and while I didn’t have to physically play, I did have to physically get all their shit sorted, physically drive them, physically get all clappy and shouty on the sidelines, and physically have to deal with their tired bastard selves when we got home. There were small factors in between like the fact that they forgot the bag with their soccer spikes when I loaded them into the car pool cars yesterday. I was planning on arriving in time for the first game but the car pool leaves an hour earlier. I had car pooled the day before. I got into the car to go, saw the bag (insert multiple expletiveS of choice) and rang one of the mums on car pool – who said that Marina said ‘oh yeah mum is bringing them later’ – and thus she hadn’t rung me to tell me the spikes were AWOL.

I am at this stage at the petrol station getting gas and willing the Japanese attendants to stop servicing my car so I can step on the gas and drive the 50 minutes over the mountains to soccer.

Well, ahem I (claiming speedy gonzales prize) made it in 38 minutes.

I did, just about, hit a wild pig but I’ll forgive it, he didn’t know what kind of rush I was in.

And I made it in the knick of time for my three gorgeous, beautiful, lying, bastard children to get ready for their first game.

I then proceeded to get so bloody sunburnt that my face was actually burny hot for the rest of the day. Marina also has the burny DNA. the boys were just a tad flush cheeked.

Anyhoo, I was ‘planning’ on taking the kids home via the nice cake shop for hub’s birthday cake and the 2$ shop so the kids could pick a crap birthday present out each but hub rang and said his Sunday compulsory festival attendance work had finished early so could I pick him up after soccer – in completely the opposite direction from home.

So I did. And the kids were pissed.

We got home and there was homework to finish. Marina pulled out a screwed up piece of paper from her school bag – which of course prompted me to ask why the fuck was it all screwed up? Apparently the math was really hard so when she tried to do it at the after school care she got frustrated (you reckon!!) and screwed the fucker up – and then flattened it out – and then screwed it UP AGAIN for good measure.

A chip off the old block probably.

I had to try and not laugh cause seriously, the paper was  mutilated to the point where I said her teacher would go nuts and that perhaps she needed to iron it – I was joking though.

I didn’t actually think she would ask Granny K to iron it. I have a religious affiliation against ironing so she has never actually seen me iron anything – ever. Granny K came in later with a newly ironed piece of homework paper.

The kids and hub did play nicely outside for about an hour, I took the dog for a walk, things were nice for a little while, and then it all turned to custard. The kids started bickering, hub joined in, I asked them all to do whatever it was they were meant to be doing at the time, nobody listened, I asked again in my hostage recovery voice and still everyone ignored me….

SO I poured myself a drink and booked me a hotel room online.

And here I am.

Hub did wake up and enquire as to my whether or not my hotel booking was legit – I said it was and that in hindsight I should have put it on his Visa.

I told the kids mummy was off duty so they had to walk to the ‘walking-bus’ meet point, which is about 700m away. I also said, before I headed out to take MAX for a looooong walk, that they would need to consult their dad about how they would get home from school. I usually pick them up and the younger kids aren’t actually allowed to walk home if they are enrolled in the after school care program, like my three are. I then plonked an unopened cereal box on the bench and left.

Before they left to walk to school I called them over and said I have two things to tell you. Be Safe, and Be Nice.

I then called them back and gave them a kiss and said, mummy will always love you.

You just need to listen more, fold more washing, put your shit away and stop the fuckin bickering.

I haven’t heard from hub so I presume nobody is in need of medical attention and Granny K hasn’t burnt the house down. Seriously, hub has NO IDEA how much I check on Granny K – and for good reason. But that is another post.

Hope you all don’t need to be running away from home for a night too.

But if you do, enjoy the quiet.







12 May

April brought changes in Hub being transferred back to the local town office – as in it is like 3km away and he can leave home at 8am if he wants. This is opposed to the last SEVEN years of being at the head city office, which still, is only half an hour away but still – means he misses the morning mayhem and the evening bollocksy chaos.

I remember all three kids being like little and single mothering pretty much all day every day. I probably had a child at kinder but still, the evenings when we were all home was just me – and so when he went to pachinko silver ball heaven instead of coming home I went off my fuckin nut.

But this post isn’t about that.

He is now closer to home.

Which is good because I have just opened my English Office (said in posh voice) in town.



Obviously before and after photos. I am pretty confident I could sleep here if hub was being a complete wanker. Go me. Cause I’m paying jack shit for the rent. And by Jack Shit I mean ‘A THIRD’ of what it is meant to be rented out as!! Yay.

So, Wednesdays and Thursdays are completely crazy. I have three back to back classes on Wednesday and on Thursday I have Faaarck, volunteer reading at the local school, two hours of paid teaching at the school in the next town over, and then two hours of back to back English lessons – during which someone needs to pick children up, feed them, get them in their soccer attire, and take them to said Soccer.

So hub has to step up to the plate or else the kids will all arrive at soccer half an hour late – which I don’t actually care about as is two hour practice and extra time will let them finish their fricken homework!!

SO today was the first time we did the whole ‘mum actually works and you guys realized it’ experience. Ryu had English from 4 to 5. Hub picked him up at 5:15 on the way to pick the other two up. He then took them home and they supposedly read my cute letter (with artwork and cute pictures) about heating up dinner and getting changed into their soccer gear.

When I got home at 6:20 hub was on his second beer and complaining about how much the children complain…

He then went into MINUTE fuckin detail about their fights during the 47 minutes he was in charge. DO I even need to comment further on this shit?

Fuckin man up. I deal with this shit every bloody day, you soft cunt.

Which I didn’t say.

So after soccer I consoled Marina about the fact Dad called her a lier – over and over again – when in fact she had ‘forgotten’ something – I know the difference. Hub just goes full force on the ‘you lied and you will never make any friends’ route. I want to slap the fucker – and Granny K. She did after all raise him to think any incompetence a women makes is a lie and thus unworthy.

Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap.

I then go on to spend an hour helping the kids with homework – while hub drinks beer in front of the TV. I know the outcomes of various scenarios so the kids doing their homework in with me in  the other room is preferable. Thankfully Shou’s math homework doesn’t need explanation – cause the Japanese do Math exceedingly well and completely different to how we do it New Zealand.

Now —- the kids are all asleep and hub has had a ‘strong’ chuhai – which could well be the end of him. Is there a ‘drank a strong chuhai when I shouldn’t have’ insurance???

Must get hub some.



Fuckity Fog

9 May

So after my post yesterday I managed a bit of mascara and half a mouthful of coffee before loading Granny K into the car – OK, who am I kidding. I didn’t need to load her she was already standing out by the car with her umbrella and 7 vests waiting for me.

It is half past eight and her appointment is for 11. By my calculations and presuming road conditions are normal we will arrive sometime between maybe 10am and 10:17am. We go via the express road. It is pissing rain and super super foggy – as in let’s close the fuckin expressway foggy. There are men waving glowy sticks and a whole load of cones on the road to prevent us from going further. So we get off the expressway, along with every other fucker and proceed to spend an hour crawling 6km. Tis painful and at one point Granny K has a go at me for letting a car in in front of us. I calmly inform her that I didn’t ‘let’ anyone in, the bastard just about took my front bumper off. I may or may not have called him a cunt at the time.

We arrive 15 minutes after our scheduled appointment but everything goes relatively smoothly. The doctor was explaining everything straight to Granny K until I interjected with some intelligent question in high quality Japanese – then he started talking to us both and in fact began to insert random English words so by the end of it Granny K was asking me what he meant! He was super nice though, as were the other 3 nurses and chemist guy we had to deal with, answer questions, fill in forms for etc. It is my great pleasure to inform you that on any given day Granny K goes to the loo approximately 7 or 8 times, two of which are between the nightly hours of 9pm and 6am.

You’re welcome.

There has been a cancellation in the surgery schedule so her operation is set for the 25th of this month. I have to take her on the 23rd and listen to another barrage of explanations. Have to remember to not let her take her blood pressure that morning, and to purchase a ‘surgery’ wee and poo pack from the hospital store. I think it probably has a more professional name but basically it’s a big nappy and bum hole plug so the patient isn’t a complete mess while under anaesthetic. The operation is on a Wednesday and I have back to back English classes so am MAKING one her offspring be there to see her into the op and wait for her to wake up. She will probably be in hospital for two weeks during which time I guess I’ll try and go every couple of days or so, depending on any translation work which comes in.

Speaking of which, must go. Have a deadline tomorrow.



More Hospitals

8 May

Just a very quick update as Granny K wants us to leave in half an hour and I still need to put on some mascara and order two pairs of indoor soccer shoes off rakuten.

We are off to the big hospital in the city again today. She has had ongoing issues with her knees and so after we realised she wasn’t dying last week she decided to get her knees sorted once and for all. I spent the entire day last Monday dossing round the city, drinking lattes, buying shit for my new English office in town and getting sore feet from all the walking around aforementioned latte shops and stores that sell things. I even went and had sushi – on. my. own. I had to sit in the carpark for a few minutes getting up the courage to go and place my large gajin self smack bang in the middle of a row of middle-aged to old Japanese men slurping back sushi.

Did you even know it was possible to slurp sushi?

It would appear that it is.

Anyhoo, Granny K rang finally at about 2pm after an entire day of poking, prodding, and all the same tests she did at the other hospital the previous week. We are going again today to get the results and talk about operation schedule.

The doctor requested that a family member accompany her. I don’t think I’m the ideal choice as because well um, hellllllllooooooooooo, medical documents, Japanese, illegible doctor’s writing etc etc, the list is quite long – I mean what if I tick the wrong box for “do you want your family member to be resuscitated if everything starts going to shit?”

It makes most sense for hub to go as we have to physically take her there anyway but he can’t take today off. The eldest son would be the next choice as he lives half an hour away from the hospital and I could just drop Granny K off and doss round some more drinking more lattes and buying more things – but he can’t take the day off. The next best choice, in my opinion, would be the eldest son’s wife. She doesn’t drive but Japanese has this amazing service known as ‘the world’s best public transport’. Seeing as I have to drive Granny K anyway I could pick her up from the station and take her to the hospital (they live in the other direction) – but there was no mention of this and whilst I did have wine and get all ‘woe is me, this shit is so unfair, come on actual children and Japanese daughter in laws, time to step up to the plate’ and then rang my sister in law to state my case – fortunately she didn’t answer and I had resigned self to fact have to do myself so ignored her call the following morning.

It’s funny, the older I get the less mature I find myself behaving.

Eldest son and wife did come here yesterday – to say hello and bring Granny K some flowers or something for mother’s day. A token gesture from where I stand but Granny K lives for this shit so whatever. The kids had soccer all day which meant that if I wanted to go and cheer them on I had to have the house in an ‘eldest son is visiting’ clean state before I left. I was not impressed Granny K told us at the last minute.

Yes, yes my sister in law brought more fuckin bread with her but as I had forgotten to tell her I just wanted the cheesey stuff, there were more walnuts and a foot long one with a sausage in it – which I took out and fed to the dog while I ate the bread bit -which may have actually been sitting next to some cheesey goodness in the oven. Very vague hints.

Right, wish me luck for getting through all the medical shite today. And driving an hour and a half each way in the pissing rain 😦 I really just wanted to sort more English stuff out today! Had 6 new students start last week and two more high school girls starting from June. Things to do!!