Lessons in Wifeyness and Shit

5 Aug

Tonight hub felt the need to impart two important lessons on how to be the bestest Japanese wife. This post will probably be filled with shitloads of sarcasm, and possibly the word cunt.

I wasn’t doing household shit. No, he had been out drumming at an ‘obon’ (festival of the dead) thing for  his friend and mentor who passed away a few months ago. He had been drinking and quite frankly I thought he wouldn’t get home till like 11 so hearing him walk through the door at 9:20 was against my Masterchef and wine schedule.

I decided to do my wife duties by going in and pouring his drinks and sitting beside him while we watched aimless, but sometimes very entertaining, Japanese variety programs on TV. It was funny, life was grand. And then the ads come on.

There was an ad about a lonely kid who was walking home from school when another kid invited him over to play soccer. They obviously bonded extremely well in that 20 minutes they were playing soccer because when the cool kid’s dad came to pick him up in his flash new Toyota or whatever the kid invites the poor lonely kid to get a ride home – because they are now ‘friends’ right? The poor kid looks super happy, jumps in the car of an adult he has never met before, puts on his seatbelt (this probably wouldn’t happen normally in Japan) and off they go.

I say, in a kind of wondering to the universe kind of way, ‘why would they show an ad about a kid getting into the car of an adult he has never met before – the father of a kid he was not friends with until 20 minutes ago???’ Note there have been killings in Japan of parents killing their kid’s friends and this ad made me think of that – although in that instance they kids were actually friends and the killer mother was jealous of the other kid or whatever.

Hub was all like no, he should be able to get into anybody’s car. I’m like, of course he ‘should’ be able to but the world is a fuckin scary place and I don’t care how suited up and flash that dad looked he shouldn’t have gotten in the car without his parents knowing. I mean I’d go ape shit at Shou if he arrived him driven by an adult I didn’t know! Sure, I’d say thank you and sorry for the inconvenience and all that but as soon as he had driven away I’d be all over Shou about getting into the car of a stranger.

At which point hub said I always spoke down on him, like his opinion never mattered and that perhaps, just sometimes I should shut up. . .

I apologised and said maybe my Japanese, seeing as I AM NOT JAPANESE, wasn’t right and that I didn’t intend to belittle his opinions but that it was OK FOR US TO HAVE DIFFERING OPINIONS and that healthy debate was a good thing.

Do you know what he said next?

Come on?


…. …..

Maybe sometimes I just shouldn’t have an opinion. . .


This is my Japanese husband, who wakes up and cooks the kids breakfast, makes their lunches for soccer … …


I think I snorted at that point – it was that or hit him over the head with a frypan and quite frankly my kids need a sensible mother at home not one in jail. I calmly told him it was extremely offensive to tell me not to have an opinion.

He said sorry.

AND THEN SAID, I guess these are the kinds of conversations we are just going to be having for now and for ever.. ….

All I can say is, thank god he got a blow job yesterday cause he ain’t seeing anything else for a long time….


Which kind of, in a round about way, brings me to the next wife lesson.

Last night I went out to dinner with some mummy friends. We got pissed and ranted about all the shit mums rant about. In the middle of this the conversation turned to soccer and four out of the five of us had kids who did, or are still doing, soccer. One kid stopped cause the family moved to Fukuoka. Another kid stopped cause he didn’t like biking through the dark tunnel to soccer practice in winter… … apparently.

I said that coach’s angry antics towards the kids was really shit lately and I didn’t know if Shou would make it to 6th grade still playing soccer – as in last week the coach, in front of our team, the opposing team and all the parents, screamed that he thought Shou was complete shit at every position and what the fuck should he do with him.

Please note that being an asshole coach is not uncommon in Japan. I think its supposed to build character or some shit.

Anyhoo, the mother of the boy that couldn’t bike through the tunnel said, you know the real reason we quit soccer was because coach was stalking me.. …. …

ME: WTF????


ME: WTF????


Her: Yeah, I’m really good friends with his little sister and have been going to their house since I was like 3 but damn, after he got married I started getting txts every day – with shit like … …

hey, I saw your car at the baseball field in the next town over, who were you with?

hey, let’s celebrate, just the two of us

hey, I thought you were supposed to be working today


It completely floored me. I have known him half me life. I know his wife. I teach their kids.


I am so confused. My image of him was not this at all. Another mum piped up that his image at work (like amongst the work ladies) was quite bad – he’s a bit of a playboy.

HOW could I have missed this?

I SHOULD NOT have brought this topic up with hub. I mean, hub does after all sit beside the coach at work. Hub is his boss.

He didn’t seem super surprised. He knows something.

And what did he say to me??


“too many opinions is a bad thing’

‘we wont last on ‘too many opinions’





watch this  space for divorce details.


I’m joking, kind of. I haven’t uttered the words yet but if the situation was different the words would have probably been uttered by now.

I love my husband for so many reasons, and yet just a couple of CUNTY characteristics could ruin it all. But I guess trying to suppress my opinion is a big cunting deal!!

You fucktard.


Thank you for putting up with the rant.



EDIT – I deleted this post the morning after posting it – thinking I had said too much. But then I re-read it sans beverages and fuck it, it is a pretty accurate account of what happened. I know hub would have a completely different blog post – about nagging wives and shit but damn, why can’t we have healthy debate? aka CONVERSATION about shit? Why do I have to be trying to be right all the time. FFS, sometimes I just want to speak English words so I say shit, for the sake of it.

I obviously need to watch my ‘for the sake of it’ shit. Maybe if I had an English speaking husband as well – like a reverse harem – I’d be all good!! I wonder if the soccer coach can speak English!!!!


11 Responses to “Lessons in Wifeyness and Shit”

  1. Tracy Robinson August 7, 2016 at 4:32 am #

    Husband + alcohol = saying some really dumb shit which no sane/sober man would say if he valued his life. My husband sometimes does the same thing & he is damn lucky there is no frying pan handy.

    • gaijinwife August 23, 2016 at 10:14 am #

      husbands around the world are just lucky then cause man some of them are fucktards. I’m sure a huge handful of wives are twats too, self included but damn, sometimes it feels like I’m the only one in the relationship on a fuckin hamster wheel. I’d like to be able to jump off and ass round drinking pina colada’s on a hammock for a while!!

  2. bri65 August 7, 2016 at 7:04 am #

    “… last week the coach, in front of our team, the opposing team and all the parents, screamed that he thought Shou was complete shit at every position and what the fuck should he do with him.”

    OK, that’s totally out of bounds, totally wrong. That coach should get, at the very least, a severe talking to, and he should be made to apologize to Shou in front of all the kids and apologize for setting such a bad example. Is there any chance of that happening?

    • gaijinwife August 7, 2016 at 7:21 am #

      God I doubt it. It’s not like Shou is the only one – they all get it. I did very nearly send a txt the morning of the next game though, saying ‘coach, lets try and be positive to the kids today’.

  3. Deb August 8, 2016 at 4:14 am #

    Why are comments about what happens in Japan taken as criticisms of the whole country, people. culture, language?

    Sometimes I think my husband thinks I am disagreeing for the sake of it.

    • gaijinwife August 23, 2016 at 10:17 am #

      OMG, exactly. I have found myself, since the evening of this post, stopping in my tracks before saying something – something that shouldn’t be heard as argumentative but something that maybe he’d take the wrong way and all of a sudden gaijin just don’t understand shit. Meh, I need to get regular at blogging again so I can expend my daily dosage of English words here instead of using silly and over opinionated Japanese words with my husband!

  4. Ruth August 8, 2016 at 8:05 am #

    Do you think when he’s talking about the coach he means too much gossip instead of too many opinions. That woman saying he’s a stalker is hardly an opinion, it’s a fact!! Husbands/partners/boyfriends can all be assholes with enough alcohol!

    • gaijinwife August 23, 2016 at 10:19 am #

      He definitely means that I think. But fuck it, I’m a woman and I can’t just ring one up and go out for coffee. Everyone works and has kids in bloody bukatsu which means no life outside of work and school. Planning a mummy night out is hardwork!

  5. Malin August 26, 2016 at 7:12 pm #

    Update soon? 😁

  6. Susan (Eastendmom) August 30, 2016 at 1:46 am #

    So I looked up bukatsu to see what it was, and found this: http://www.japantimes.co.jp/community/2014/06/22/issues/consuming-school-clubs-worry-foreign-parents/#.V8TkPBGwUeo

    • bri65 August 30, 2016 at 6:24 am #

      Wow, I’m stunned. They take it too damn far.

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