Archive | December, 2016

Post Motorbike Writeoff

13 Dec

Turns out that hub’s motorbike will cost too much to fix and has to be written off – which fuckin sucks cause I paid for most of it for his birthday and insurance wont refund the whole amount because hub was about 20% (we don’t know for sure yet) to blame. Bloody damn it.

The bike stuff all of last week, coupled with a shit few weeks at work with some tax visit from 6 years ago coming back to haunt him – and me really – and he was a stressed ball of cuntiness on Sunday. In short the tax saga is about a man who had to pay x amount of tax but it took him 6 years to pay it and he didn’t realise he had to pay the interest for that 6 years.  He threatened hub – told him he was going to put a flyer out with all their names on it badmouthing them AND to be careful because he might come to our house – at which point I told hub (mid-story) that he had to report that shit to the police. He rang his police brother instead, who in turn told him to tell the local cop. Lord knows if he actually did it or not. We haven’t had a flyer or a visit so perhaps it was all just the guy being a rude mouthy wanker with nothing to back it up.

Roll around Sunday and we are all heading to the city to see aforementioned eldest precious son (policeman) so that Granny K can check in on them and tell her friends she’s caught up with them yaddah yaddah. I don’t think I’ve gone into it much here but the eldest son’s grandson (so I guess my grand nephew although I just think of the three kids as cousins to our three because they aren’t that different in age) is very sick and has, for a lot of his life, been in an anti-bacterial room at the hospital. He is sometimes allowed home and has even been here once, playing and running around in all our germiness.

He is currently doing another round of treatment and his mum was having a rare day off with her husband taking a turn at the hospital. If she gets sick she can’t go into the anti-bacterial room obviously, so she was super worried that we would bring germs from our clean-air rural rice paddie where the kids go to school with 26 other children into their urban home with her other two sons who go to a school of 400. I don’t know why I’m getting my back up about it really. I’m sure if my child’s health (and possibly life) was on the line I’d be super worried too.

We decided to drop Granny K off and take the kids to the movies.

So we did that. Great movie they said. I didn’t go because it was Japanese and I don’t feel the need to waste good money on seeing a Japanese anime.

We picked Granny K back up and went inside and said hello for about half an hour. During which time Shou coughed once and sneezed into his mask, while playing UNO with his two cousins who were wiping snot on their sleeves (ya know, six of one half a dozen of the other) (will also add here that we all had to gargle and spray our hands with disinfectant upon entering the house)

In the car on the way home we get a phone call saying that the mother (of the sick boy) is worried that we might have brought the bloody FLU into the house and could Shou please get tested asap the next morning because if there is any chance she has caught it she can’t swap places with her husband at the hospital.

So anyhoo, now hub is worried about work, his poor motorbike, his poor leg and whether or not our son will give them the FLU which may or may not kill their son. Tis a shithole.

So we decide to buy a thermometer on the way home because despite this being Japan and there being a household average of 3.7 thermometers per square meter I have a feeling I left our ‘good’ one in New Zealand last year. This is important, I can’t rely on the half assed ten dollar one. WE NEED THE GOOD ONE.

So we stop and I get out to rush in and get a few things.

I get back to the car approximately 8 minutes and 43 seconds later and hub is the only one in there. I see Granny K walking around a bit and just presume she was hot with her 8 layers of vests on. Until I open the car and see I have no children.

I enquire, calmly at first. I just think they’ve gone to the loo at the shop – or come in to find me and missed me (hard to do) or something.

And then Granny K informs me that Shou and Marina were playing up, hub had enough, and so he told Shou to get out. Marina and Ryu go after him, hub goes to sleep in the passenger seat and Granny K has no idea which way they went. It turns out that hub told him to walk home but they failed to inform me of this and of the level of hysteria that any of the children might be in.

Turns out I was the only one registering on the hysteria scale.

I tell Granny K off for being a pleb and not looking to see which way they walked. I dump the shopping down and tell hub to drive after me (I had been driving because he wanted to put his accident leg up).

I then walk in the dark in the direction I think my poor three children have been sent. All I can think about is where they are, what if they’ve gone down a side street or worse, been picked up in one full swoop by a van of pedophiles. . . or or….

I mean fuck.

I was also swearing as I walked. Fuckin cunt. If anything has happened to my children the universe will never forgive you.

Seriously, all rationing of calmness goes out the window. You forget that your children are no longer 2, 3, 4 and are actually quite brilliant little human beings.

Hub drives past and I see him about 200m up the road, stop and swing in, wait for a second and then come back to pick me up – kids in car. I get into the car fuming with relief (yes it’s possible). Hub is silent – cause he knows he has been a complete fuckin dickwad. Granny K tries to say that it was nobody’s fault. I say in my fuming with relief steadiness of calm voice “It is everyone’s fault. It is hub’s fault for making Shou get out, it is Shou’s fault for not doing as he was told, it was your fault for not seeing which direction they went in, and it was my fault for fuckin believing I could go into a shop for five bloody minutes without this kind of shit happening”

Not a word the whole way home. Only the semi-silent sound of Granny K weeping into her kerchief.

The only other time I have seen her shed a tear was when we knocked the old homestead down to build this house. I knew I shouldn’t have been cross with her but I was so angry that nobody knew what way they had gone. I went into her room and said sorry when we got home.

On the good side – Marina and Ryu ran after Shou and together they were walking home, wondering how long it would take and if I would be cross with them. At bedtime I told them I would never leave them to walk home 20 KILOMETERS in the dark. And that I was glad they had stayed together and stayed on the main road with the bright lights.

So that was Sunday.

On Monday I took Shou to get tested for the flu. Negative. No surprise there but a relief to my sister ‘n’ law and her daughter – who could then go and relieve her husband of his hospital duties.

Anyhoo, I finally finished about four translation deadlines yesterday, got an “Excellent and natural English translation” for QA result, the kids are fine, Granny K apologized for her cunty sometimes son and asked that I please don’t take the kids back to New Zealand and hub, well, he’s still sleeping in the alter room and doing lots of housework.






Lesson Post – Part 1

3 Dec

This post is more of a lesson to my future self should my future self ever get into a traffic accident – or should YOUR future self get into an accident.  I have been hit before – once I was at a stop light and a dude rear ended me. It was 100% his fault. In Japan there is always a % allocation to each party. You ONLY get 0% if you are completely stopped. The second time I backed into a car full of yankee (mafia) wannabes as I was backing out of my carpark at the conbini. They came hurling in at great speeds driven by an unlicensed punch-purma (tight perm reserved for mafia and their gofas) 17 year old. Needless to say it was mostly their fault yaddah yaddah yaddah.

So today…

Shou has a two-day soccer tournament in a city about an hour away. Hub was meant to be on car pool duty but we switched with the car pool duty parent for tomorrow because one of their distant relatives died and the funeral is tomorrow (in Japan these things happen fast so the said deceased relative would have died yesterday afternoon – as in after my carefully planned car-pool schedule went out)

Hub decides to ride his motorbike to watch the morning game while I teach. I plan to go in the afternoon with Marina and Ryu to catch the final game and the random relay running shit thing they have at the end of the day when everyone just wants to go home.

Hub txts that Shou got a goal in the first game – wahoooo. It is, afterall, a tournament for 5th and 6th graders, not Shou’s 4th grade. I confirm that the goal was a decent goal and not a trickle in and then I do a proud mummy dance, as I take Marina and Ryu into the 100 yen shop to buy coloring-in books AND, as it would turn out, Mummy’s Christmas present – 100 yen earrings, which I pretended I didn’t see. The girl at the checkout was trying not to laugh because Marina wanted me to be there when she bought them but I had to look away while calculating her change.

We get out of the store and back into the car and I notice two missed calls and a txt from hub – the txt says ‘There’s been an accident, call me’. As I have said on numerous occasions, the fact that the Japanese language refuses to incorporate pronouns into their everyday conversation is a fuckin mystery and a complete bloody nuisance. At first I think Shou has had an accident – He’s been kicked in the face with a ball, lost consciousness yaddah yaddah, the mother bear has a wild imagination for such in-apt retardedly fact-filled txts of uselessness.

So I ring hub back.

He answers, in a whisper “I’ve been in an accident”. I am genuinely concerned so I ask “are you OK?”. To which he answers “I think I’ve hurt my leg” … ….

And then he tells me the name of the hospital the ambulance is taking him… tis a fuckin stupidly named hospital so I ask him to send me a txt with the name, if he can.

He doesn’t



  • Fuck, he’s gone into cardiac arrest. He played light on the leg thing. He’s actually dying (enter thoughts of insurance, kids, raising them alone, Granny K… …. – seriously, this shit goes through your mind for a second)
  • Fuck, His leg is so munted they have to give him oxygen and drugs and he’s in no state to be texting
  • Fuck, just fuck
  • OMG, what if he’s being a weak cunt and this is nothing?

OK, so that last thought never entered my mind.

I did a car navi search for the hospital name I thought he said and found it!! Hurrah.

I tell Marina and Ryu the minimal and say we have to drive back in the way we just came to see dad in a hospital cause he fell off his bike.

OK, I lie. I got completely emotional and lost my shit.

We get to the hospital and it is practically vacant due to it being a Saturday. I tell a nurse that I am the wife of the man who was just brought in by the ambulance.

She says something in a low voice to another nurse (and seriously I think it is something like ‘poor woman, her husband is in a bad way’ – when in fact was probably more like ‘do you think she understands Japanese’) and points me in the direction of ‘down the hall’.

So we go down the hall and see hub sitting in a waiting room.

He’s like alive and sitting and shit.

I’m full of relief

But now I have the room to be intrigued and WTF you Fucktard? Why worry me like that. Could you have not said ‘I am fine but I have bit of a sore leg’, instead of ‘(said in dying voice) I think … I’ve … fucked. …. my …. leg….)

Jesus fuckin Christ.

Women who have had a child can sympathize with me here. I don’t complain about shit on the pain scale. I mean, fuck, I’ve pushed a big head out the saloon doors sans pain killers THREE times. Hub gets knocked off his bike and he’s FUCKIN DYING.

So what follows???

Japan is efficient to the point of over-effectiveness

Today, in one single fuckin day, a SATURDAY no less,  I have heard about 27 conversations with insurance agencies, hospitals, bike repair shops, wreckers (who took the bike from the ‘scene’ to the bike repair shop) and of course the police.

After the hospital and the police station we had to go to the ‘scene’ with a scene-specialist policeman. He measured shit and took hub’s statements on where, what yaddah yaddah. The guy that crashed into hub then turned up – with his wife, and a bag of bloody cookies.

Actually I don’t know, I haven’t opened the bag yet. They said they went to the hospital first but hub had already been discharged (I then bet they did a vestling happy dance) so they rang hub and he said he was on route to the ‘scene’

So we all  end up at the scene. The policeman measures measurements and then praises hub on his cute children. The man that hit hubs turns up, with his wife, and they are profusely apologizing to everyone, the policeman, hub, the rice paddies. And then the wife spots me, purposefully standing far away, and comes over with her bag of ‘I’m sorry cookies’…. I don’t want to accept them and in my mind I can here hub saying ‘don’t’ but I do. She’s a very lovely lady and genuinely very sorry for her husband (who is 72) ramming hub’s bike.

I KNOW from previous experience that if you were ‘less’ in the wrong then you shouldn’t say ‘hey, are you OK’ or ‘hey, I’m sorry’. I am on my best Japanese understanding shit behavior. So I just bow a lot and say I shouldn’t accept the gift which she keeps pushing into my hands – so I fuckin say thankyou and she says the kids will like it.

I feel sorry for the wife. Her hub has obviously driven home – told his wife what happened and she has changed into her Sunday best, gone and bought a beautiful box of cookies and rushed to the hospital and then here.The husband is with her but still.

Most of this happened before we even got to the soccer. We got there finally, just before the race started. A  couple of parents saw hub in the car and just presumed he had gone home and then we had come together for a nice hour long drive. Jeeze.

I said nothing, to anyone.

And I love saying shit.

Quite obviously.


We have managed to get hub bathed and in bed without Granny K being none the wise.


Good night folks, has been a loooong day.