Lesson Post – Part 1

3 Dec

This post is more of a lesson to my future self should my future self ever get into a traffic accident – or should YOUR future self get into an accident.  I have been hit before – once I was at a stop light and a dude rear ended me. It was 100% his fault. In Japan there is always a % allocation to each party. You ONLY get 0% if you are completely stopped. The second time I backed into a car full of yankee (mafia) wannabes as I was backing out of my carpark at the conbini. They came hurling in at great speeds driven by an unlicensed punch-purma (tight perm reserved for mafia and their gofas) 17 year old. Needless to say it was mostly their fault yaddah yaddah yaddah.

So today…

Shou has a two-day soccer tournament in a city about an hour away. Hub was meant to be on car pool duty but we switched with the car pool duty parent for tomorrow because one of their distant relatives died and the funeral is tomorrow (in Japan these things happen fast so the said deceased relative would have died yesterday afternoon – as in after my carefully planned car-pool schedule went out)

Hub decides to ride his motorbike to watch the morning game while I teach. I plan to go in the afternoon with Marina and Ryu to catch the final game and the random relay running shit thing they have at the end of the day when everyone just wants to go home.

Hub txts that Shou got a goal in the first game – wahoooo. It is, afterall, a tournament for 5th and 6th graders, not Shou’s 4th grade. I confirm that the goal was a decent goal and not a trickle in and then I do a proud mummy dance, as I take Marina and Ryu into the 100 yen shop to buy coloring-in books AND, as it would turn out, Mummy’s Christmas present – 100 yen earrings, which I pretended I didn’t see. The girl at the checkout was trying not to laugh because Marina wanted me to be there when she bought them but I had to look away while calculating her change.

We get out of the store and back into the car and I notice two missed calls and a txt from hub – the txt says ‘There’s been an accident, call me’. As I have said on numerous occasions, the fact that the Japanese language refuses to incorporate pronouns into their everyday conversation is a fuckin mystery and a complete bloody nuisance. At first I think Shou has had an accident – He’s been kicked in the face with a ball, lost consciousness yaddah yaddah, the mother bear has a wild imagination for such in-apt retardedly fact-filled txts of uselessness.

So I ring hub back.

He answers, in a whisper “I’ve been in an accident”. I am genuinely concerned so I ask “are you OK?”. To which he answers “I think I’ve hurt my leg” … ….

And then he tells me the name of the hospital the ambulance is taking him… tis a fuckin stupidly named hospital so I ask him to send me a txt with the name, if he can.

He doesn’t



  • Fuck, he’s gone into cardiac arrest. He played light on the leg thing. He’s actually dying (enter thoughts of insurance, kids, raising them alone, Granny K… …. – seriously, this shit goes through your mind for a second)
  • Fuck, His leg is so munted they have to give him oxygen and drugs and he’s in no state to be texting
  • Fuck, just fuck
  • OMG, what if he’s being a weak cunt and this is nothing?

OK, so that last thought never entered my mind.

I did a car navi search for the hospital name I thought he said and found it!! Hurrah.

I tell Marina and Ryu the minimal and say we have to drive back in the way we just came to see dad in a hospital cause he fell off his bike.

OK, I lie. I got completely emotional and lost my shit.

We get to the hospital and it is practically vacant due to it being a Saturday. I tell a nurse that I am the wife of the man who was just brought in by the ambulance.

She says something in a low voice to another nurse (and seriously I think it is something like ‘poor woman, her husband is in a bad way’ – when in fact was probably more like ‘do you think she understands Japanese’) and points me in the direction of ‘down the hall’.

So we go down the hall and see hub sitting in a waiting room.

He’s like alive and sitting and shit.

I’m full of relief

But now I have the room to be intrigued and WTF you Fucktard? Why worry me like that. Could you have not said ‘I am fine but I have bit of a sore leg’, instead of ‘(said in dying voice) I think … I’ve … fucked. …. my …. leg….)

Jesus fuckin Christ.

Women who have had a child can sympathize with me here. I don’t complain about shit on the pain scale. I mean, fuck, I’ve pushed a big head out the saloon doors sans pain killers THREE times. Hub gets knocked off his bike and he’s FUCKIN DYING.

So what follows???

Japan is efficient to the point of over-effectiveness

Today, in one single fuckin day, a SATURDAY no less,  I have heard about 27 conversations with insurance agencies, hospitals, bike repair shops, wreckers (who took the bike from the ‘scene’ to the bike repair shop) and of course the police.

After the hospital and the police station we had to go to the ‘scene’ with a scene-specialist policeman. He measured shit and took hub’s statements on where, what yaddah yaddah. The guy that crashed into hub then turned up – with his wife, and a bag of bloody cookies.

Actually I don’t know, I haven’t opened the bag yet. They said they went to the hospital first but hub had already been discharged (I then bet they did a vestling happy dance) so they rang hub and he said he was on route to the ‘scene’

So we all  end up at the scene. The policeman measures measurements and then praises hub on his cute children. The man that hit hubs turns up, with his wife, and they are profusely apologizing to everyone, the policeman, hub, the rice paddies. And then the wife spots me, purposefully standing far away, and comes over with her bag of ‘I’m sorry cookies’…. I don’t want to accept them and in my mind I can here hub saying ‘don’t’ but I do. She’s a very lovely lady and genuinely very sorry for her husband (who is 72) ramming hub’s bike.

I KNOW from previous experience that if you were ‘less’ in the wrong then you shouldn’t say ‘hey, are you OK’ or ‘hey, I’m sorry’. I am on my best Japanese understanding shit behavior. So I just bow a lot and say I shouldn’t accept the gift which she keeps pushing into my hands – so I fuckin say thankyou and she says the kids will like it.

I feel sorry for the wife. Her hub has obviously driven home – told his wife what happened and she has changed into her Sunday best, gone and bought a beautiful box of cookies and rushed to the hospital and then here.The husband is with her but still.

Most of this happened before we even got to the soccer. We got there finally, just before the race started. A  couple of parents saw hub in the car and just presumed he had gone home and then we had come together for a nice hour long drive. Jeeze.

I said nothing, to anyone.

And I love saying shit.

Quite obviously.


We have managed to get hub bathed and in bed without Granny K being none the wise.


Good night folks, has been a loooong day.









9 Responses to “Lesson Post – Part 1”

  1. jennifer arthur December 3, 2016 at 5:06 pm #

    Despite the obviously near tragic circumstances, this is one of my favorite posts of yours in a long time. How the hell have I lived my life without knowing about the special perms reserved for Japanese mafia wannabes???? You, as always, are a warrior my friend. Sleep well.

    • gaijinwife December 4, 2016 at 10:08 am #

      Hub once threatened to get a ‘punch perma’ and I just double dared him to. Thought it would be quite amusing. He thought his boss might make him shave it off though – because obviously being a skinhead is better than a punch perma!!

  2. Amanda Harlow December 3, 2016 at 10:41 pm #

    wow! ALLL of that for him coming off his bike??? Like Serious? And how many police officers did that take? Giggled my way thru this…thanks!

    • gaijinwife December 4, 2016 at 10:11 am #

      LOL, only one sole policeman at the scene when we went back to measure and get questioned 🙂 He saw a couple when he gave his statement or whatever at the station. His motorbike is a bit fucked and because he wasn’t completely stopped some of the % fault of the accident will be with him (despite him driving straight ahead on a straight rode and the other guy turning into him) and thus the other guys insurance wont cover all the costs to repair the bike. And it was the fuckin front so the tank and shit. Not good. His leg, which was so sore yesterday he thought he might die, is a LOT better today and now he jsut thinks it is his wrist that is sore. I told him that he should get a head scan tomorrow when he goes for his second check-up. He was saying some seriously stupid (more than usual) shit yesterday!!!

  3. Mr Sekimachihato December 5, 2016 at 11:02 am #

    Give my regards to your husband (even though he won’t know who I am) but being a guy I know how much pain he must be in with that sore leg and wrist. Hope it’s not his right hand’s wrist otherwise that’s just about the end of the world. Odaiji ni.

    • gaijinwife December 5, 2016 at 12:12 pm #

      LOL, will do. If he wasn’t being such of a wanker right now I’d feel sorry for his sore wrist too. I’m sure he can improvise with his left…

  4. Jennifer Colman Tokuda December 5, 2016 at 11:46 am #

    Oh the lack of details gets me! A couple of years ago, DH went out one evening to play futsal with some friends and a couple hours later I get a TEXT (not even a phone call) that read, “Hey, I am waiting for the ambulance to pick me up.”

    That was it followed by radio silence. Needless to say, I freaked out and tried calling multiple times but no answer. The things that ran through my mind!

    Ended up that he threw out his back and the ambulance was just so that he would be seen by the ER doctors faster and wouldn’t have had to wait so long. Those details would’ve been nice in the original message. 😛 Men…

    • gaijinwife December 5, 2016 at 12:16 pm #

      Jeeze, right!! Glad I’m not alone but pissed we all have to deal with this uselessness!

  5. Ruth December 6, 2016 at 9:08 am #

    I think it’s the lack of male communication. Any time Malcolm is late back with the kids (anything over 10 minutes) I imagine them all in a burning car wreck somewhere (and they’re not even my children!). Just a call to say traffic is bad or we’re running late…. Sometimes it’s just my overactive female imagination.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: