Orange in the Bag

5 May

I don’t know if it’s a ‘stage’, although I’d hazard a guess at possibly a ‘very long term’ for this current lies and deceit bollocks from the boy child slash boy children – yes, that now includes the golden child, which breaks my heart. I’m here with my wine shedding tears of frustration and disdain.

Japan is currently enjoying ‘Golden Week’ – which has nothing to do with my golden child. It is about five days of holidays during which, it would appear, the soccer coach feels an urgent need to schedule games on four of the five days. Ryu was asked to play for a team with a number shortage in a tournament yesterday and the day before. We all went on Tuesday and yesterday I went with Ryu while hub spent the day getting pissed off at the children and eventually telling them to go join an episode of Survivor because they didn’t have a bed here anymore.

Don’t even get me started on my husband’s superior parenting skills.

We lost every game of soccer, in the rain AND I momentarily lost my dead mother’s diamond ring after being scolded by the umpire for telling our team to give as much back (the other team were being shirt holding bastards). I tend to fiddle with my rings when I’m unsettled, shamed-out or just feeling like a dick for failing at adulting properly.

I got home to Shou halfway down the road with his backpack and Marina on the swing – she would never go far because she wouldn’t be any good at foraging for food, which is after all, her main goal in life.

I get my abandoned children back in the house and then ensues a humungous row between hub, the children and I. Marina ends up crying up stairs and Shou says he is leaving for GOOD – which meant going round the side of the house and throwing shit.

I make them all eat food and go to soccer. I tell them I will stay for the entire practice and that if they say a nasty word to each other I will embarrass them in front of their friends and drag them into the car.

They are fine.

Get back into the car and see hub has called me 5 times in quick succession. Thinking the house might have been on fire or something I ring him straight back, to nothing, and then try Granny K. Hub was looking for the fuckin tool box.

I’m not quite sure the fuckin tool box warrants 5 phone calls. On our return Hub questions the children about the 4 puncture holes in Marina’s bike tyre. I can tell straight away that it was Shou so, while acting as mother slash anti-defuser slash keeper of peace because otherwise dad will losse all of his nuts, I manage to get Shou into the other room – while hub is outside repairing the punctures. At first Shou tells me he used his fingers, to which I said ‘no you fuckin didn’t’ – to which he fesses up and says he used the cork screw.

Then today, bloody today. It is ‘Children’s Day’ in Japan. We should be celebrating the birth of the future generation instead of yelling rage at them to get off the ROOF of our two-story house. Well Shou was up the top – he’s trying to catch a sparrow so he can keep it as a bloody pet. He had a branch with animal glue (whatever the fuck that is) with popped wheat stuck to it as bait. Marina and Ryu were on the roof of the first floor to try and get the slipper Shou had thrown up there in his obvious rage yesterday Β – before, after or in-between slashing his sister’s bike tyres.

At about 3pm Granny K comes in with a bag of some kind of crackers. From inside she pulls out an orange- which obviously isn’t quite as entertaining as a rabbit but hey, it’s not what was meant to be inside the bag. She enquires as to which of the three children went into her cave, ate her crackers, and replaced them with an orange.

And, because males are crap liers, and because Shou as at the top of the wanted list anyway, I can tell it was him. He laughs and says Ryu was in on it too – at which point a little bit of my heart breaks.

Ryu told him where the loot was. They both ate it and then Shou decided they needed to put something in the bag because hey, I dunno, maybe Granny K wont care that she’s got an orange instead of prawn crackers.

And well there, that was the last couple of days.

I’m tired.

Need wine.


Good luck to all the parents out there.







12 Responses to “Orange in the Bag”

  1. Amanda Harlow May 5, 2017 at 8:56 am #

    Oh gOD! He was on the roof trying to do WHAT to a sparrow? with WHAT???? Your family…..thanks for the snorting into coffee moment.

    • gaijinwife May 5, 2017 at 12:14 pm #

      come here little sparrow – have fun sitting on my goey stick with snacks… JEEZE. And to think that hub suggested it. Sometimes I just have to pat my own self on the back and say ‘you did good, you are still here’…. ….

  2. Mel May 5, 2017 at 10:05 am #

    Well I thought I had a rough day returning a corn cob from a fruit and vege shop that my four year old thought would be fun to pick up and run away with (all the while juggling a baby) but your kids antics over the past few days take the cake! Hats off to you for keeping it together!

    • gaijinwife May 5, 2017 at 12:18 pm #

      I am completely sure that your four-year old mission was just as stressful. At 5 we drove 40 minutes home to realise that Shou had a 1,000 yen disposable camera on him. Grrrrrr. Long family outing with three small children turned into stolen camera rampage…. …

  3. bri65 May 5, 2017 at 12:43 pm #

    Children are sweet. Your children are sweet. Just keep reminding yourself. And there’s always a glass of wine to look forward to and then a good sleep. And really, that was awfully sweet of them to put the orange in the cracker bag. Hope GrannyK had a sense of humor about it.

    • gaijinwife May 5, 2017 at 10:50 pm #

      Yeah, she wasn’t too cross about it. Came in just kind of scratching her head, why the orange boys? Why didn’t you just me for the crackers, which of course wouldn’t have been as much fun as stealing the loot and thinking they got away with it πŸ™‚

  4. Susan (Eastendmom) May 6, 2017 at 12:05 am #

    You poor girl. Much wine called for that day, for sure. So are the boys going to make restitution to Granny K? Like buying her another bag of crackers? The corkscrew holes in bicycle tire thing kills me – I remember several of my kids doing Random Acts of Destruction like that. Why???????? The kids themselves don’t even know why they do half the crazy stuff they do. Just know that you are doing an awesome job, they will grow up in the blink of an eye (hard to believe now, I know) and everyone will turn out a normal adult. xoxo from the US

    • gaijinwife May 6, 2017 at 12:08 am #

      Thanks Susan. This is comforting to hear! Sometimes it seems only a miracle would see my children grow up into normal adults. I can’t remember doing anything completely off the rails until I was at least 15, but then perhaps I have selective memory πŸ™‚

  5. Tracy Robinson May 8, 2017 at 5:00 am #

    I hope you didn’t tell hubby the weapon of destruction was the corkscrew – somehow that will end up being your fault :-). The orange in the cracker box cracked me up, brilliant plan boys – no one would ever find out haha. I am sure in a few years when you remind the kids of these antics much hilarity will ensue lol.

    • gaijinwife May 8, 2017 at 12:20 pm #

      I have already started to look back on it fondly…. well, I guess it gets pushed aside to whatever other shit is happening on any given day πŸ™‚ I am surprised hub didn’t push the slashed tyre incident further! Grateful really as I am sure the fact the weapon of choice was my now defunct corkscrew!

  6. Brenda May 28, 2017 at 9:30 am #

    Sorry, but the replacing Granny K’s crackers with an orange has me giggling uncontrollably. The rest you have my complete and total sympathy because we have liars and animal catchers and thieves and parenting geniuses all sorts in this house too.

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