More Tests

1 Aug

Going on from the previous post about Japan’s outstanding stance on preventative healthcare…

I had my “supposed-to-be-annual-but-has-actually-been-3-years” comprehensive health check at the city hospital the other week.

No eating or drinking after 9pm the previous night, I woke up and had severe troubles trying to get a poo sample. Not taking into consideration the putting down of the special poo catching sheet into the loo and then scraping a cotton bud test tube thing through your poo. It’s a fun activity. Totally recommend it.

I register at the hospital 40 minutes away and get told to change into lovely clinic PJ things. Bra off, because no wire allowed – and I have to incase mine in loads of wire, t-shirt on, because inevitably the Japanese PJ things will not stand firm in their one job of covering my boobs.

I get weighed first – huuurah. Didn’t want to save that till last anyway. Height measured. Get told I have lost 2kg and shrunk half a cm in 3 years.

(pats self on back – one must celebrate the small accomplishments. At this rate I may just wilt away to nothing)

Blood samples taken next – I have three vials taken which is more than usual as have paid extra $50 dollars to do tests on risk of getting cancer. I know, I know. Every bastard ends up dying of cancer but I have been told that brain cancer (mum) isn’t hereditary, and lung cancer (dad) probably caused by smoking fifty million cigarettes a day since he was 14. Anyhoo, I am interested in this test so I did it. Results pending.

After the bloods I get taken through to the expose your flummy echo room. Three years ago a young bloke was in charge of the echo machine and it was quite mortifying to be honest. I mean, obviously, I’ve lost loads of weight this year (ahem) but fuck it, all off my eyelashes it seems and not my stretchmarked to shit -middle-aged flummy. Fortunately this year there is a female technician and I feel a lot more comfortable, throw my PJ top open and get ready for the squidge of gel and the echo. She takes her time on something and for a minute I glance at the screen expecting to see a small beating heart or something. Praise the fuckin lord there isn’t a baby in there though. I don’t know what she was concentrating on – whether it was a serious issue or whether she was just trying to echo through the flum.

I then have to pee in a cup (see previous post). I can NEVER pee under pressure, plus I have my period, plus I’m still wondering if perhaps she did miss a baby during the echo. Faaark. I FINALLY get about 10ml of menstrual  pee into a cup – I know, I know, don’t say I never paint a lovely visual image for you.

I then get about ten minutes of down time sitting in a chair and watching the sumo, during which time a nurse comes and enquires as to what day of my period I’m on…. I tell her day two, my heaviest day. I leave off that I actually scooped out (of my pee cup) the piece of my uterus that was floating in there. She must enjoy normal periods where you bleed a little, live a little and then bleed a little more. I just bleed solidly and in chunks for 48 hours (see previous sentence about that lovely visual image – your welcome).

I then get taken into a small booth and my blood pressure checked. Considering half my blood is trying to escape out my fanny tis no bloody wonder the other half retaliates by trying to run away from the blood pressure machine, resulting in high blood pressure. Did I know I had slightly high bloody pressure, the nurse asks me? She then measures my waist and tells me I’m obese and asks if I would like nutritional advice – to which I say no, I’m heading to NZ next week and am booked in with fabulous personal trainer called Branden who is going to kick my ass into shape.

(Not joking. Have been going a week and I hate him already but my feet and chin are enjoying some weight slash fluid loss so I’ll stick at it a bit longer until my flummy gets some of the skinny love too. – another post soon)

Next on the health check agenda is the electrodes. The PJ top gets opened and t-shirt lifted up completely. Electrodes placed on sides of tits, flummy, everywhere. Tis hard not to laugh cause the suction caps make this ridiculous noise and the technician woman is not looking me, but at the same time feeling around boobs for right place to position suction caps. I don’t even know what this test does – that is how much of a sheep I am. Baaaaaaaaa. Just do what I’m told.

And lastly, the mammogram. Joy of joys. I get to squash my tits into a compressor frontways AND sideways. For my previous three checkups I have had the same guy and I felt like we were finally coming to some kind of report between the two of us and my boobs. Now, all of a sudden, I have a new young mammogram boy who isn’t quite used to substantial um, clients, and has to ask me to excuse him while he pulls my boobs across the compressor.

I am ‘this close’ to laughing at the poor boy. If it wasn’t ridiculously funny it would be mortifying.


I was also meant to have a smear and the disgusting Barium procedure – where you drink disgusting shit and get turned around on a machine akin to a pig on a spit.

I had a bit of a cough and apparently if you drink they barium and then cough you might get some in your lungs and die.

OK, well, the didn’t say I would die but they said it wouldn’t be beneficial to my health if the “white shit that solidifies like concrete unless you take drugs and shit it out of your system in 24 hours” got in my lungs.


So I went back the next week and got poked up my fanny and turned like a pig on a spit.

I have absolutely no idea if I’m healthy because the results get sent home and I left Japan the day after the aforementioned pig spitting. I was SO worried about not shitting the white barium concrete out before my travel that the nurses gave me SIX shit pills!! I took four, and spent three solid hours on the loo.

Thank God I didn’t need to do that on an airplane toilet.


Right, off to get these kiwi boys to bed.








3 Responses to “More Tests”

  1. Grace August 1, 2017 at 7:19 am #

    Hey you still exist – hurrah! Thanks for the graphic descriptions of your ‘annual’ medical, makes interesting reading when compared to that of the UK, which is much more basic. Have a great time in the land of the long white cloud – hope to hear more from you very soon.

  2. Kay Howe August 1, 2017 at 4:17 pm #

    Ah. The graphics are priceless. You’re such a trooper. Love it. Have a wonderful time with your family.

  3. 浜小路アンナ August 9, 2017 at 7:32 am #

    love your blog….from the beginning…found you a T-shirt…….

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